Having a Rough Go…

…and this a safe place to talk about it.

I am having a rough time lately and I don’t want to burden anyone with it. We all have our stuff right? I feel like this is a safe place to write about it and get it out of brain.

I have applied to so many jobs. SO many. I have had 2 interviews and no job offers. I know it’s a tough job market (especially for my field) but man it’s hard to try and try and keeping hitting walls. At the job I kind of have not (that I loved), I have so few hours that I barely work there. My program is essentially cut and it hurts really badly. I (and many others) worked so hard to build it and it’s all just gone. It’s a type of pain I can’t really describe. That probably sounds dramatic, but that’s how it feels. So I get shot down looking for other jobs and at my current one. That’s a lot of getting shot down. I will keep trying at both things no matter what, but it’s getting harder and harder.

I am out of unemployment benefits and I am really facing being homeless in two months. If you have read my previous entries, you know it’s top 3 of my worst fears. I have 2 months of rent left to be able to pay with what I have saved and that is scary AF. I worry and have anxiety everyday. I don’t sleep well anymore because I am constantly thinking about it.

I don’t feel like I can really talk about this with anyone around me. I worry they all will feel I have a hidden agenda of asking for money. I have tried so hard not to ask anyone for money and have only done so when it was dire need. So I just internalize all of this and feel myself shrink a little more everyday. I scheduled another blood donation appointment so I can get a $5 amazon gift card. It’s good that is also helps folks but I was gonna take a little break from donating blood because I can still see the hole in my arm from donating months ago, but I need that $5 socked away for any little thing I need but can’t afford, like deodorant, that might come up.

I know I am not alone in this worry and I know a lot of people go through it, especially during the pandemic. That helps a little but it’s horrible. I am going to work out and hope that helps my current mind set. I am trying to keep my positive attitude, but some days that is really hard to do.

Stress Dreams…

…are wearing me out!

There are a lot of rough parts with having anxiety, but stress dreams are one of the worst in my opinion. Maybe I should call it stress sleep since I can’t always remember the dreams. I do know that it was a night full of anxiety because of how I wake up – exhausted. Not normal, waking up and kinda sleepy. I mean exhausted mentally. Foggy since you hadn’t really rested in your sleep. It makes me foggy and short tempered all the next day (I try my best not to be but I definitely have a shorter fuse). Last night was a bad one and today was hard because of it. These are almost always brought on by work. I have always had them periodically with whatever job I am at, but never as bad as my current job. I may just go to sleep before 9:00 pm tonight hahahaha

Fucking Anxiety…

…sucks!

I don’t know if it’s being back at work full time or the fact that I am having a bit of separation anxiety from my dog (he’s getting groomed – I know it’s a bit silly but it’s true) but my anxiety has been not great lately. Especially right now – the smallest thing sets it off.

Someone in a leadership role at work asked if I was on site – no when would I be onsite – Monday – ok I will call you in a few. My mind jumps to “What am I about to get yelled at for?” I haven’t done anything to my knowledge to get yelled at for but my heart is still racing and my mind – my stomach hurts. All these physical manifestations of anxiety are really not awesome. The last 7 minutes since I got that text have felt like a year. Why does my brain and body do this to me? I have worked hard and done the best I know how to do so even if I do get yelled at I know it’s not due to negligence. Why can’t I let it roll off me like everyone else can?

When Anxiety Has No Where To Go Except…

…out your eyeballs.

I have talked with you all about my issues with anxiety. This morning was a rough one. My main anxiety source is potentially and unintentionally hurting other people (particularly those I love and care for most). Well – I got it in my head that I was definitely going to unintentionally expose my dude to germs. So my anxiety took over and I cloroxed the whole house basically. I scrubbed all the pans with scalding hot water and generally freaked out. Once I had done all that, I just started crying for no other reason then I couldn’t think of another release for my anxiety. It had no other way out of my body then my eyeballs.

Very few people have seen my anxiety get this bad – I can count them on one hand. So I looked around me and I named five things I saw, four things I could touch and feel, three things I could hear, two things I could smell, and one thing I could taste to ground myself. It helped a little. It gave my mind real things to focus on rather then the things running around in my mind. I recommend trying it sometime even if you just need to feel a little more grounded.

A grounding tool for anxiety... — When you need to ground yourself.

Shout out to all my fellow anxiety ridden people and anyone dealing with all the stress in the world today. You aren’t alone friends!

How do you deal with stress and anxiety in the world today? How have you adapted your tools to social distancing and staying home?

Physical Symptoms of…

…stress!

Work has been more then stressful lately. Between major projects and my usual work I have absolutely zero free time – working most days – long days. I know I am not alone here but working with this much to do under such a short timeline on something so important is soooo stressful. That stress is starting to physically manifest in my body. My shoulder muscles feel like a rubber band that is about snap, my stomach is all in knots, my digestive system is a freaking mess, and I have a racing heart most of the time (especially when I lay down at night).

My recent vacation really helped but now that I am back in the thick of it all of those symptoms are back. I have to tell my heart to slow down when I lay down – I mean really think about it to get it to slow down.

I forgot to mention that I have put on weight due to stress eating. It’s a real thing! Dear lord is it a real thing.

I know my mind is manifesting these symptoms and they aren’t a sign I am phsyically ill, but that doesn’t make them any less real. Reminds me of one of my favorite HP quotes.

Image result for harry potter is it all happening in my head

Do you have physical symptoms of stress? If so, what are they and how do you cope?

Ho Ho Ho…

…and away we go with Holiday fun…and expectations.

I love the holidays and the holiday season; if you could see my nail polish right now you would have no doubts. I get to see family and friends, eat good food, and look at light displays. It’s my kind of holiday. This year is especially exciting because I get to have Christmas Eve with my dude (complete with quarterly fancy brunch) and dinner with his family. I have secretly always wanted a significant other’s family to spend some holiday time with and be a part of. It’s small but I appreciate it a lot.

While I love this holidays and wouldn’t give them up for anything; they do come with certain expectations that are sometimes hard to meet. The first one I want to discuss is presents. I LOVE giving people gifts. There is nothing better then knowing you got the perfect gift and watching them open it. Unfortunately, my wallet isn’t in agreement with most of gifting plans which just sucks. I don’t want to let people down. Especially since I do 2 Christmases and I need gifts for everyone to open at each Christmas. I don’t have all the gifts I need yet and that’s a bit stressful. Trying really hard not use a credit card with the I’ll pay it off later mentality. Secondly, I am in my home town for a really short period of time this year; 4 days short (not full days on either end with travel). I have people I need and want to spend time with but zero idea how I am going to do it all…without a car….Thirdly, there are so many Christmas things I want to do that I feel like I am stressing my poor dude out hahahaha I want to see Christmas lights, and put up decorations, and watch Christmas movies, and all that jazz. The time period to do it all is SO short though, especially while keeping up my workouts, going away parties, wine parties etc. I am not complaining because I love it all, but I don’t want to stress him out or anyone else around me.

Despite some challenges of the season I am really excited to set my own p(e)ace as best I can this holiday season. What get’s done get’s done and what doesn’t doesn’t. I can’t wait to spend Christmas with my family (especially my nephew), spend Christmas Eve with my love, and do all the fun things I have planned. And of course see the new Star Wars movie – that’s a must.

How are you setting your own p(e)ace this holiday season? Also, I need ideas for presents for the dudes parents – nothing big just a token of my appreciation for raising such a great son.

Make the most of the things that mean more. : @sebandmedotcom

My World Cracked A Little…

…ok it cracked a lot.

Sometimes if feels like your life changes overnight and without warning (even when there is clearly some warning) and this happened to me this week. I am still try to recover from it and it might sound dramatic but it’s making me fee a lot of things.

Big Change #1

My boss is leaving. Some people consider this a big deal and others wont. For me, it is somewhere in between. I used to be quite close with her and we worked together well. That dynamic changed about 1.5 years ago but has been improving. Sometimes I am really sad she is leaving, others I am a bit relieved I wont be disappointing her anymore. This will come with a lot of added responsibility on me too which is totally freaking me out now that it’s really happening and not some hypothetical. I know I can do it and have the skill set but that doesn’t make it any less terrifying.

Big Change #2

My roommate is moving to Colorado. I know that roommates aren’t forever but I really like my roommates company and friendship. It is really hard to find someone you are compatible to live with and enjoy living with on top that. She is taking her pup with her which is just breaking my heart in two. Again, this was something I knew was coming but I got super emotional about and still kind of am.

With her removal from the apartment, I am left to make big choices I don’t particularly want to make (but that’s life I suppose). What do I do? I definitely can’t afford to live on my own to SoCal so as I see it these are my options. 1) Stay where I am and play roommate roulette (scary). 2) Move and play roommate roulette (scary and I have to move). 3) My dude and I move in together (not super scary but I have to move all my stuff, and are we ready for that?)

#3 is honestly my favorite choice but I don’t know if it’s the right one…especially for him. I need some solid ground to stand on and I would love for that to be this move and this relationship. As much as I want it though, I am not sure we are ready for that. Is it fair to ask him to jump into being ready for that? No. Can I help the situation I am in right now? No. Could pursuing this move make or break the relationship? Yes. It’s not easy all the way around. I want to do what is right for us and especially for him; his happiness is high on my priority list.

All of this has been really overwhelming for me these past few days. I seriously feel that I have a hit a breaking point and lost some of my control in setting my own p(e)ace. I feel a little lost and really, really need someone to just be there and help me talk it through to figure it out. But I can’t have hit a breaking point because right now there isn’t anyone who can be that person just inherently. My dude is actually doing a great job being this person but he still needs to think of himself (and I absolutely want him to do so) in the whole ‘should we move in situation’ so it’s hard for someone to think that through and be the person I blabber on to all the time…it’s a lot to ask of someone. *last night he was super sweet and said that in my silence he knew I needed him to tell me that we were okay so ‘We are okay’ and I looked at him and thought damn this man knows me and I could not adore him more in this moment* My best friend in the O.C. is going through the same loss of a boss and potential loss of a place to live (not same timing though to take my spare room). My roommate is dealing with moving to different state which exciting but is not easy (this I know). My family members have their own stuff to get through so I can’t bother them with any of this. How do you rely on yourself when yourself is kind of falling apart?

I am a ball of anxiety and I don’t know what to do. BUT I do know I will figure it out and just keep swimming. I will turn challenge to strength and prove I have guts and guile.