Almost Fell Back Into…

…a pattern that was really bad for me.

In former jobs (on in particular) I confused working hard with sacrificing everything for that job. I gave every second and stray thought to my work. I worried about it constantly. I analyzed everything everyone said or wanted or needed. I thought of all the ways I could prevent anyone being upset with me or the job I was doing. None of it mattered on bit when times got tough I was out on my ear. There was no thought on the other side on how I would eat or pay rent or visit a doctor (should be a perk of working at a nonprofit – people care). Today, I fell back into this pattern. I sacrificed my ONLY day off for the next two weeks to create a realistic plan. In return, I was made to feel I was disappointment because it wasn’t everything they wanted. Gee, I am sorry, I had to get another job when you abandoned me and I only have so much time to invest now. I will only do so on the clock. I almost fell back into giving it everything. Nope, not today! I am keeping my peace and only doing the work I am paid for. I will not burn my energy worrying that you all think I am bad at my job when I know I am. You only get out of people what you invest in them. I have not received a return on my investment into it so you will no longer get a return of my every thought and worry. I mean this in a very positive way, because I am now protecting myself. I will continue to look out for myself and what is the best next move for my career and my real life and sanity. Not today.

I see from the outside of that bubble how badly it is affecting the people that are giving it their everything. It’s easier to see the negative affects now that I am not mired in it. I want to help them and I will, but only as much as I am paid to do so and straight up asked. I don’t want to leave them hanging, but I can’t sacrifice my found peace for them either. It’s a really challenging balance.

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