…and I have so many amazing women in my life that I don’t even know where to start. I have always wanted to be surrounded by strong women who I support and who support me. thats exactly what i got. So here is an ode in code to them! (i dunno if they want me using their real names so I hope you know who you are)

Blue -you have been amazing me for over 30 years. You have such conviction, confidence, and belief in yourself and me. I don’t know what I did to deserve it, but thank you for the unconditional love and support. Cheers to our next 30 plus years together.

Roomie – I have absolutely no idea how this life long BFF ship started but I am so glad it did. You are brave and driven. You don’t judge my anxieties and accept all my flaws. Always here for you.

Status Check- I adore everything about you. I brag about your bad ass ways all the time. Your art adorns my home and fills it with beauty and love. I send little gifts that arent as good but sent with much love.

Museum twin – I have no idea how to reach your level of amazing. you are who I want to be when I grow up. you kick ass in all you do and youve met lenny james. I just have no idea how you are so amazing. It was my honor to have been called your name for a full year.

Moose- I didn’t post a photo because I thought you’d think it was cheesy. You’ve always been the most effortlessly cool person I know and somehow you have always loved me, effortlessly uncool. You have a beautiful auora and I am lucky to bask in it.

FBP ladies – all amazing and all made me feel so welcome and at home. I thank you.

Latotes – keep being badass its awesome to see and orbit. strong and vulnerable is a tough combo but it looks good on you.

former roomie – miss you. thanks for making our little apartment feel like home and for letting me love the schmoo.

To all the amazing women who have come through my life and left it. I carry you in my heart through all my days. I always will and have nothing but love for you.

anyone i missed / i love ya all

…My Dad.

I was in middle school going through that awkward phase where you are absolutely sure you are about as attractive as dog poop. I wasn’t pretty or fashionable or together like the popular girls seemed to be. I fancied myself a tomboy but really I was just kinda lazy with getting ready in the morning (still kind of am). Valentine’s Day roles around and the school does the thing where you can send flowers to friends or people you like. 7th grade me didn’t get one. That was tough on 7th grade me – everyone around me got them. I was feeling bummed out when my Dad picked me up. He had a dozen roses just for me and told me he would always be my first Valentine. It made me feel so seen and special. I will never forget that. That was probably my favorite Valentine’s Day.

…In so many peoples stories lately.

I can’t always be on and up and psyched. Especially when I keep getting knocked flat on my ass. Its tough when a family member makes you the villain in their story then seemingly kicks your ass to the curb. Its hard to be the villain to some at work when you’re working your ass off for much less then a lot of people make. punishment for trying to do the right thing. The road to hell is paved with good intentions right? Damn I hope life is more then this constant line of crap. Gotta be an up coming soon. Looking out for that on my way to a root canal on Tuesday. Just gotta wait the up out.

…always have a small part or you that feels like a shit person.

A lot of the time its internal, but tonight its external. Someone else pointed out to me that I am a shit person. I should have seen it coming I suppose since it used to happen pretty frequently. I sorta thought we had passed that, wishful thinking I guess. But even without the external influence, there are a lot of times I am worried about doing the wrong thing or truly be a not good person at my core. Like I’m waiting constantly for someone to be upset with me about something. I think Ive felt this way since about 4th grade. Does anyone else feel like this? or am I a weirdo? Maybe this feeling keeps me on track to being a good person. I don’t really know. Maybe the person who clearly thinks I am a bad person will feel differently in the morning. Maybe it doesn’t matter and matters how I feel. Thats a novel idea. Trying to focus on how I feel about the person I am may help. For now, I think I am flawed person really trying to be a good person. Even if I fall short, at least I am trying. Always trying.

…today for some reason.

Let me start by saying I can taste everything – not covid. It just doesn’t taste as good as I want it too and it’s really bumming me out. I had peanut butter and bananas for lunch today – not as good as usual. No idea why. Coffee this morning – disappointing. I hope it doesn’t continue. Even my beloved Diet Coke just isn’t living up to taste expectations. This is a pretty silly post – but it’s what’s happening right now hahaha

…because people have been talking over me all day.

It is driving me crazy. Seriously. Every meeting I am in today it’s like the other people can’t hear me speak. I say things and they just start talking over me. Like I am not done talking. I want to hear your point and I can’t if you are speaking while I am speaking. Then they just speak louder. I don’t want to be that rude so I just let them talk and give up. You’ve made up your mind so I don’t know why I am on this meeting. I am in charge of some of these decisions and still my voice doesn’t matter. Can anybody hear me? I am loud. Trust me. I can project. So I know it’s a choice to not hear me.

I just want to not be cut off mid sentence because others think they’re opinion is more important. I also want to be able to hear your opinions because they matter to me. It’s hard to hear it when I am talking.

I can’t wait to head to the bar after work and wash away this feeling…

…buy happiness?

Its a tough question. If you say yes, you’re a dick but your honest. If you say no, you’re a ’good person’ but you’re a liar. I will never be rich in my chosen profession. I am okay with that because I feel like I make a difference. A tiny one but still a difference in the world for the better. I knew that going in. More money would make things easier its true, but not making much money has just thrown a wrench into my happiness. A conversation with my dude lead to talking about why he is hesitant to move forward in the relationship which lead to an admission that money mistakes of my past and not making much money makes him hesitant. A very real part of my brain understands that. It took time and mistakes for me to learn how to responsibly handle money. That I totally get. BUT the fact that my chosen career and its relatively low pay make him question spending his life with me is something I haven’t been able to shake. I always pictured my person being proud of what I do for a living and maybe even thinking its cool. Not having it be a reason not to live a life with me. Money seems to be a higher priority for him then it is for me. No judgement, but Is that something that will end this relationship? Its a core value, so maybe. I am proud of what I do but it might not be enough for him. That thought makes me really sad. its been nagging at me all day so now I am putting it out into the universe and out of my head for now, I hope.