Missing a Key Part Of…

…being an adult.

I almost always feel like I am missing some key part of being an adult. Chronologically – very much an adult. Emotionally – I feel like questioning if I am missing a key part of being an adult puts be behind everyone else or just means I am a little more self aware. Either way, I am definitely missing something. I feel like I am constantly trying to catch up in growing up. I can’t quite put my finger on what I am missing though. Maybe I don’t want to fully grow up and that is why I feel this way? That is a definite possibility as well. That leads to the question ‘What makes one an adult?’ What do you think? Because lately (and always) I feel like I have no idea, but I am definitely not there yet.

Image result for what makes an adult funny

Giving Space and…

…finding space.

I have never been very good at either in any type of relationship (friend or romantic). I like being around the people in my life. I am always up to do something fun and often initiate the plans. One of the bigger realizations I have had is not getting mad when someone doesn’t want to come do whatever I plan. I realized it’s not because they don’t like me or the plans – they have their own life and stuff to do sometimes. I know that sounds so stupid but it was not an easy thing to realize and still isn’t sometimes. Giving people the space they need isn’t my forte. Taking the space I need isn’t my forte either. Admitting I sometimes need space is hard, most of the time I don’t really know it’s what I need or would do me good. I have great friends and great love, but still it’s nice to be alone from time to time- for everyone. I need to remember to give my people their space as well as take some for me. I feel it’s a lesson I will keep learning, but being aware of it is a good path.

Interesting read about it below!

https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/how-to/how-to-give-someone-space-and-why-its-important/

Well That Was F*cking Unsettling…

…and right before bed…cool cool cool.

I went to take Marty for his last walk of the night before bed. It’s my least favorite anyway because it’s dark and nobody is out – just kinda creepy. Everything was creepy but normal until we reached the mailbox. I saw a flashlights moving around rapidly around a porch and got a little freaked, but figured someone locked themselves out and needed the spare key from their porch – thus the flashlight because it’s dark. So I talk to Marty (my dog) pretty loudly just they know I am there. This thin, old lady pops out from the bushes so I say ‘Hi.’ She says nothing but shines her flashlight right into my face so I can’t see anything. Marty growls at her and I think to myself ‘physically, I can take this lady is she charges me but I don’t want her to try to hurt Marty or him to get away from me in the process so here goes nothing’ and I ask her if she is okay or if she needs help. She says nothing. So, thinking I have done what I can, I say ‘ok have a good night then. Come on Marty” and I pick him up to keep him close and safe and we walk away. Then I think, I shouldn’t have turned my back to this person because she could run at me and if I don’t see it coming she could get the better of me. I decide to have faith that she wont and continue walking. We made it home safely to firmly lock all the doors – then double and triple check them. It doesn’t sound scary but it felt scary in the moment. That feeling in your gut telling you that it isn’t right and your are in trouble. That feeling that says remove yourself from this situation that burns in your stomach. Still burning actually. Also, I hope she was okay and not trying to rob someone or something. I hope she has a warm place to lay her head tonight. I am glad that I do. I hope I get work soon so that roof over my head continues. Fingers crossed but I am too stressed to dwell on that at the moment.

It was a shit couple of days and hopefully this incident is the last of it. Here’s to a better tomorrow all. Lucky for me, tomorrow is in 40 minutes.

Having a Rough Go…

…and this a safe place to talk about it.

I am having a rough time lately and I don’t want to burden anyone with it. We all have our stuff right? I feel like this is a safe place to write about it and get it out of brain.

I have applied to so many jobs. SO many. I have had 2 interviews and no job offers. I know it’s a tough job market (especially for my field) but man it’s hard to try and try and keeping hitting walls. At the job I kind of have not (that I loved), I have so few hours that I barely work there. My program is essentially cut and it hurts really badly. I (and many others) worked so hard to build it and it’s all just gone. It’s a type of pain I can’t really describe. That probably sounds dramatic, but that’s how it feels. So I get shot down looking for other jobs and at my current one. That’s a lot of getting shot down. I will keep trying at both things no matter what, but it’s getting harder and harder.

I am out of unemployment benefits and I am really facing being homeless in two months. If you have read my previous entries, you know it’s top 3 of my worst fears. I have 2 months of rent left to be able to pay with what I have saved and that is scary AF. I worry and have anxiety everyday. I don’t sleep well anymore because I am constantly thinking about it.

I don’t feel like I can really talk about this with anyone around me. I worry they all will feel I have a hidden agenda of asking for money. I have tried so hard not to ask anyone for money and have only done so when it was dire need. So I just internalize all of this and feel myself shrink a little more everyday. I scheduled another blood donation appointment so I can get a $5 amazon gift card. It’s good that is also helps folks but I was gonna take a little break from donating blood because I can still see the hole in my arm from donating months ago, but I need that $5 socked away for any little thing I need but can’t afford, like deodorant, that might come up.

I know I am not alone in this worry and I know a lot of people go through it, especially during the pandemic. That helps a little but it’s horrible. I am going to work out and hope that helps my current mind set. I am trying to keep my positive attitude, but some days that is really hard to do.

Embarrassing Moments Happen…

…and you just have to role with ’em.

I got an instacart order last night. The shopper guy was super cute. (got wine so he had to see my ID). I texted my roommie that she should give him her number because he was HOT. I reall emphasized that. That’s when I realized I sent it to my dude and not my roomie. SO EMBARRASSING! OMG I stopped breathing for a second. Luckily he is the chill human being he is and wasn’t too phased by it. Thank God! I immediately told him about it and apologized. Later I thought I should have gone into his phone and deleted the text. Then I thought that’s pretty fucked up and going in peoples phone is a violation of privacy. I never could have done it – or at least done it and not told him. Guilt woulda killed me. Phones are people private business and property. Even if it woulda been for a good cause such as delete an embarrassing text. Just not cool.

Negative Days Are Hard…

…to pull yourself out of.

I had a few things to write about that are all different yet connected.

Let’s start with work. I went into nonprofits because I wanted to do something good, do work I care about, and be cared about where I work. As I understood it, that was a perk of going the nonprofit route and it helped with the ‘gonna be poor’ part (no one goes into nonprofits for the money). I had that for a few years and it was great. I loved it – even the shit days with people who yelled and made me feel less then. It was okay, because then I would teach a kid something or my volunteers would be their awesome selves. Since COVID I understand that even nonprofits have to survive during these tough times – I just didn’t know it would be at the expense of most of it’s employees. But since I am writing this I suppose I am feeling it’s a lot at the expense of me. I didn’t realize that I was quite so disposable and forgettable. I guess that’s on me for being naive and kinda dumb. My bad. I am great at what I do and I know it. I think it’s time to start over at another place with a new mission to support that might need my skill set and contributions.

I am not married. I am in a relationship. He doesn’t want to move forward and is happy staying exactly where we are. I am not. But since I am the one who wants more I have the choice to leave the relationship or move only at his speed, because he wants to go slower. I read some stuff about it on the internet and it said that rushing someone will only get you dumped. But does that mean my timeline doesn’t matter? It’s not that I don’t want to respect his wants, I just want the same consideration. I don’t know what to do. I am hoping it will come to me.

Ideal world. My dude want to get engaged and combine our lives. I’d be good with a long engagement. I help him where he needs it and he helps me where I need it. It might also give me some opportunities to go back to teaching at nonprofits and managing when I work up to it. I love the problem solving in management but I miss teaching daily. I could contribute more to our lives together and moving my work happiness forward. Dare to dream I suppose eh?

Scientists and…

…super heroes.

I was watching Ant Man and the Wasp last night and started thinking about the science roots of ant man’s stories. Ant Man aka Scott Lang is an engineer working with physicists. Then it occurred to me how much of the Marvel Universe is based on science. Tony Stark was a scientist and all of his powers come from his science knowledge. Bruce Banner is a scientist and the Hulk. Peter Parker is a science nerd and becomes spider man on a tour of a large lab. Thor’s GF is a scientist, that’s how she finds and helps Thor. Her research assistant is in WandaVision and seems to be the only person who can make sense of any of what’s happening there. I hope it sparks an interest in science for those who watch it. The modern superhero doesn’t exist without science – like the rest of us. It’s pretty cool.

What is An Influencer…

…and what are the pitfalls of fake fame.

My dude and I always joke about Instagram influencers and how they marry the rich men on Below Deck and Marrying Millions. I saw a documentary on HBO Max where they take three people and turn them into these ‘influencers’ and it is so crazy and and interesting. They had a bunch of ‘I’m and actor and a model’ people try out for the doc and that was pretty funny. By the end of the documentary I was kind of blown away at the whole process. They ‘buy’ followers and comments (which is a whole industry on it’s own) to gain real followers and comments and get free stuff. And one of them got a LOT of free stuff! Cool stuff. Wine, sunglasses, jewelry just as long as they post about it. These ‘influencers’ are really serious about it and treat it like a business because for them it is. The experiment was interesting. Ultimately it told me what we all know – it’s fake fame that is designed to sell things and make people who watch feel like they have less then. So they go out and spend their needed money on the stuff so they can be equal to the fake famous people. The Kardashians have made a fortune off it but I don’t know that selling your morals is worth it. Interesting documentary that mak

My dog Marty is more of an influencer then I am. He gets offers to be a dog model all the time. BUT you have to buy the pet products to model. You get a discount but still I can’t spend money I don’t have no matter how cute the toys are or how great he would look in the dog bow ties hahaha. I can’t blame social media here though because Marty is a lot cuter then me so he has a better shot at being an influencer.

Going to the Gyno…

…is never a good time in my book.

I have posted about PCOS before but not specifically a gyno visit. So today we are going to talk about it because no one really does. It’s kind of a challenge. I called in December to make a well women appointment and couldn’t get in until February 3. That’s a long wait. My birth control pill would not be refilled until I had my appointment, so it was back to condoms for a month and half BUT that isn’t the bad part. Condoms are easy to use. My PCOS symptoms are creeping back -> weight is up around my gut due to higher testosterone and my acne is outta control. I am 35 and my skin is so freaking bad right now. Thank you PCOS and not getting my BC until I come in for an appointment that I have to wait over a month for. This is all before even going in.

So, I left home today with plenty of time not factoring in I love in SoCal and shoulda checked traffic on the 5. Heavy traffic was not only annoying but set me back. Then I parked in the wrong structure and got a good walk in to get to the office. This wouldn’t bother me except I was already behind. I hate being late, especially to things like doctors appointments. They have a schedule and everyone else with an appointment that day doesn’t wanna be there forever and I don’t want to be the reason they are running behind.

I finally make it to the office for them to stick a brush up my hooha for pap smear, smoosh my boobs around, and stick their fingers into me to check my ovaries. This is all necessary to keep up on my health and it’s really not that bad, it’s just not great. Dudes will never get it hahahaha

But seriously, keep up on your pap smears to be healthy and detect potential cervical cancer early. Someone that was close to me died of cervical cancer and it was horrible. What’s worse is it was likely preventable had she kept up on her pap smears. So take control and get in and get it done! The hassle is worth it.

Roll Models in The Public Eye…

…Role With Cole and Charisma.

I have no idea how I started watching their videos but I love them! They are an interabled couple that’s answering common questions about life as an interabled couple and being quadriplegic. They address the tough stuff like having kids, using the bathroom, and other things that people wonder about. I never thought about how having a fire plan would be so important in if you are quadriplegic. All these things I wouldn’t be aware of or give a second thought too. They also talk about being an interracial couple. They are really positive and fun to watch. I have learned a lot from their videos and posts. I highly recommend checking it out.

https://www.facebook.com/RollwithColeCharisma