‘Mental Illness is Not A Costume…’

…but it could be in a positive way.

I saw this statement online and it got me thinking. What if I dressed up like my anxiety? What if I dressed like my anxiety personally feels to me. Would that help people understand it better and judge it less. What if we all did? What if we had a version of one Halloween or like October 30th where we all dress as something personal about us, with a stigma, to try to show people and educate people about it and remove stigmas?

What would you dress as?

In my mind my anxiety would be a repeat of my OCD (is the oven off? did I blow the candle out?) but only in even numbers because that’s a ritual for me. My hair and face would be perfect however to represent the face I put on to hide it. I would also wear two different shoes; a heel and a sneaker because I think it represents two people who live in us all. And an RBG necklace to show who I want to make proud with the rights she has helped provide to me and all of my generation.

Let’s Talk About…

…stomach issues.

I woke up at 4:30 am ish with the worst cramps in my uterus area. I seriously thought I might appear on the “I didn’t know I was pregnant’ show on TLC is hurt that bad. So I got up to stretch to see if that would help. That made me feel like I was gonna throw up and I did. It helped a little and I was able to lay down again then we up like a shot two hour later with digestive issues – bad and urgent digest issues.

I have always had a very sensitive stomach and digestive system. This was especially problematic in school where the bathrooms are communal. So embarrassing. I am writing this post to remove the embarrassment from bathroom issues. It’s something we all deal with (maybe not as often as me but still). I know there are bigger causes to bring to light -> this was just on my mind today.

Also, my dude was so nice. He got up to make sure I was okay. I felt bad for waking him up but he’s so sweet when I have stomach stuff happening. That’s love right there!

What If I Stopped Eating…

…for like three weeks.

This is a thought I just had. And I feel bad about having it because I really try to be super body positive (and lately most of the time I do pretty well). I, like many others, have put on weight during this pandemic and quarantine. It’s one of my highest weights, but I never felt super fat or unattractive (I had moments but not overall). For some reason today that changed and I felt really bad. I haven’t eaten much today, nothing really sounds good for some reason, and it occurred to me that if I managed to eat almost nothing today that maybe I could do that tomorrow. I work until 3:30 pm so it wouldn’t be that hard…same schedule the next day. Again, wouldn’t be that hard. Then I thought, how long can I do that to lose weight fast? Then I felt really bad. I am considering starving myself because my own internal pressure. This isn’t who I am! Weight or no I am still me and awesome. I am still attractive because I am loved for being me (which is the freakin dream and I somehow have it). And still, I was considering this.

While I recognize this is not cool, I do need to eat better. This is not an easy feet for me and a lot of people. I suppose I will just try my best.

Additionally, I have been taking a natural appetite suppressant and apple cider vinegar pills. I need a little help with curbing my appetite and impulses. But, I think this is something I may need to do on my own. Is this appetite suppressant a tool or a crutch? I dunno. I will keep you posted.

I know, two posts in one day! I was feeling this though and wanted to share it with you because it felt really real. If you are feeling the same way know you aren’t alone. Also know you are attractive because you are you and loved because you are you. So let’s make some changes to see the result we want, but not allow that to not appreciate the body that we are in now. I mean my boobs are looking good. It took time to gain it and will take time to lose it – until then I will enjoy the benefits of this body and not hate on it so much.

Happy October…

…is the best time of the year!

And I am hoping it’s better then the rest of the year has been for the world. I am also excited to see the pandemic pun costumes people post this year. I just tried Marty’s Halloween costume on him – he is going to be a spider. He was not thrilled with it but also not too miserable. I also need to switch him to his glow int he dark Halloween collar. If you have just started reading my blog you should now I live Halloween (and fall right into NYE).

It’s also the time of Pumpkin everything which I love because I am basic bitch and damn proud. I will like what I like dangit! Also, my allergies are back to not terrible so hooray! October is wonderful and I hope it brings some magic into your world.

Do you love fall, pumpkin all, and all Hallows Eve? Speak out loud and proud with me!

“Hey World…

…I’m 35!” -SATC

I had one the greatest birthdays I have had in awhile. It was so full of love and effort. It was exactly what I needed. I got a virtual birthday card from a lot of people and it was SO nice to see them again (organized by my BFF). I cry every time I watch it. I had a party in the park with good views, good people, and good food organized by other BFF/work wife/wine club member partner. I got a massage with my dude. Then we went to Phoenix for the weekend and it was so good to see my family again. Marty (the pup) became part of the pack at my dad’s house, we played cards, we ate about 85% of my Phoenix food (including Dutch Bros twice!), went to happy hours, and just had a great time. I felt really connected to my dude which was great and so, so nice. He moved so much around and worked into the nights to make this birthday trip work. I have never felt more special to him.

It’s truly great to be 35! I can’t wait to see what happens this year (it can hopefully only go better then 2020 right?).

10 Months Is An Awfully Long Time…

…to go without seeing your family.

But 10 months it has been. My nephew has doubled in size and will have zero idea of who I am. That’s okay though because he’ll know eventually. My family has lead their lives for ten months without seeing me and I without seeing them. I know people go a lot longer but I think this is the longest I have gone. It’s odd. I am going home next week. I know it isn’t 100% safe yet but sometimes you have to take a risk. If something happened to a family member and I didn’t see them when I had the chance – I couldn’t live with that. So I am taking the risk and going. Plus, everyone gets to meet Marty 🙂 He’s coming too! He’s excited for his first road trip (with me anyway – don’t know if it’s his first).

I am excited and nervous. I am always nervous to do that drive – driving in general makes me a little nervous. Thankfully my dude is probably coming with me to help with the drive. It’s also been some time since we all interacted so I hope it goes well. I hope the Tuscon crew can make it to see us.

Then it wont be 10 months till my next visit. I am hoping for Thanksgiving.

Dear Teachers…

…YOU ARE AMAZING!

I have been working with kids doing all of their online education and I have to tell you I have a new level of respect and admiration for all educators. Seriously, the amount of work that online education encompasses is astounding. I have NO idea how you all do it. All of the information you need to impart to the kids, keeping 25+ kids focused while they are all in different locations (not in your presence). I am in awe of your dedication, skill, and sacrifice. And this tribute doesn’t even include dealing with the parents of all these kiddos (who I know mean well, but can sometimes overwhelm). Hats off to you! Know that many of us see all of your work, extra hours, and sacrifice. I know me seeing you might not mean that much, but I hope it helps you feel a little more recognized in a world that may be over looking you and your crazy skills among all the crazy current events.

I want to start and ‘adopt a teacher’ program. Random and appreciative people adopt a teacher and send them a little gift for them (not for their class or kids or anyone else just them). I don’t know how to go about it though. Anyone have experience with this kind of thing?

A Break Before…

…I’m broke.

I got another job working with the census folks. It pays well with a flexible schedule. I am very grateful! I have basically made a living out of talking to strangers so I have a feeling I will be very good at it. I wont starve! Hooray!

After my COVID demotion and pay cut, I still pick up some hours at my old job too (I make much less but it’s something). I am filming tomorrow with a HUGE script that I have one day to memorize and make presentable. I am going to do my best, but I hate doing anything less then prepared. Also, I am putting my own time into preparing –> I don’t get paid for most of it. I know we are all making sacrifices for our nonprofits to survive, but doing that has become so much harder since they sacrificed me without even the courtesy of a phone call (got an email that was clearly copy/pasted from someone else’s because it had their title not mine – I wasn’t even worth getting my old title right). I want to be good so I am gonna do it, but I hope anyone appreciates it, like at all, or even recognizes it. That would be nice. A woman can dream right?

Oh well — Back to memorizing and making more sacrifices.

I’ve Got Some Problems and Money…

…would solve almost all of them.

Whoever said ‘Money can’t buy happiness’ has never worried about how they were going to pay rent or get groceries. I will admit while my money situation isn’t awesome, it isn’t dire…yet. I can’t imagine those who don’t have family helping them but have other mouths to feed that are depending on them. Luckily, I really only have to worry about me and Marty (cutest pup in the world!).

My latest money solved problem was groceries. Not just buying them but getting them. I can no longer park at my dudes house (I wont go into why right now because that is just gonna make me angry and I found out he doesn’t want me writing about him so yeah…). I have been asking him to take me to the grocery store for days. For days it hasn’t happened for this reason or that reason. So I was starting to get angry and I thought to myself ‘I am a grown ass woman and I can solve this problem.’ I mean I choose to be here knowing I can’t have my car here because I love him and he has air conditioning (that last part is a joke but also really nice since it’s been hot). So I am getting groceries delivered which cost $15 extra in delivery fee and tip which I pulled out of my savings (I HATE doing this). But money solved my problem.

Then I got to thinking about how having more money could solve so many of my problems. How many things I could throw money at and how much I would appreciate it as a person who has willingly committed myself to a life a mediocre pay to work at nonprofits because it’s important. So, the point, if you do have money I want you to really appreciate it. I know that most people out there worked hard for their money and that is awesome! Still enjoy what it brings. If you don’t have money don’t be stupid like me and spend it on a delivery fee. hahahaha But hey I will have groceries in two hours and I am making fajitas while I drink my lemonade Truly’s (they are my newest vice, actually good for fewer calories then a glass of wine!).

who the fuck said money can't buy happiness? - Annoyed Picard HD ...

The Money Struggle…

…is super real – especially right now.

I have never had a super high paying job – I never really needed one. I have always made enough to get by without starving, to keep my wine membership up, and have a bit of fun. The start of the pandemic was the end of that. I know I am not alone on this one and I want you all out there to know that you aren’t either.

I did okay with the increase of unemployment benefits. I still worked as many hours as I could get but, I was making it by with the help. I was even able to save a bit which is great because that is what I am living on now. The extra money wasn’t a luxury – it was a necessity. I am sorry not was, is a necessity still. I do not feel it is leaching off the system. I work at a nonprofit that has cut my hour and now my titles and pay significantly. I apply to jobs daily (everything from jobs in my field to cashier at Costco). I need that money to come back in some form. The unemployment I get now is just enough to pay my rent and like three bills. The rest (including food) is coming out of savings or because my dude is nice and I cook and do dishes and stuff (I try to pay back in services lol – not like that! get your mind out of the gutter).

Would it be bad to ask family and friends to pick a bill to pay as my birthday present next month? hahahaha That would be the best!