…rooted itself in my body and manifested as physical symptoms.

I made a big mistake at work. I’ve been torturing myself since. Last night is manifested itself as severe stomach cramps and diarrhea. I lost 3 lbs over night. Yes I weighed myself. When I feel a bout coming on I get scientific about it lol. Still having the stomach cramps. Definitely my stomach and boy period type cramps. All my work people were very understanding and kind about my mistake. I’m the one torturing myself. I should have been better know better. I should have done more I should have listened more. All those thoughts are running circles in my mind and my guts apparently. I am my own worst enemy no matter how much I try not to be. First in making the mistake and second in killing myself with guilt and regret. And eating my feelings but worrying so much I lose weight. I’m a weirdo. A beautiful hot mess weirdo.

…and came to two conclusions.

I was doing laundry and found my mind wandering to my first memories ever. Maybe because I just saw my nephew and wondered what his first memory would be. I have a tie for my first memory because I don’t know which one came first. They both happened in Sandy, UT in the first house I lived in. #1 I think I was being carried but either way I was headed down the stairs to our basement and turned my head to the left to see my brothers Superman slippers. I can clearly see those slippers in my mind. #2 Being left at home because my brother went to slip and slide and I wasn’t old enough. Completely reasonable but I was little and pissed hahahaha

What I noticed about these memories. Both pertain to my brother. Makes sense. He is the best brother ever and I have always, always though so. The second is more interesting because I am always on guard or sensitive to being left out. So much so, it’s one of my first core memories. Was I born with that insecurity? How would I have developed it by that time? Am I reading too much into it? I don’t know but I tend to think some personality traits are just we who are, and that one is one of mine. Always afraid of being left out. Who knows. Just what was on my mind.

…or think you are good at your job.

A lesson I learn over and over but especially when I send out volunteer satisfaction surveys. Nothing like being ripped apart after a long hard year of work. It’s always sad to read all things people you like, respect and work so hard for don’t like about you and the job you are doing. I am trying really hard I swear. I know I shouldn’t take it so personally but damn man. All I can do is try to apply some changes to make those folks happier. But I need to remember I will NEVER make everyone happy no matter how hard I try. Gotta take a lesson from Elsa and let it go. Alrighty – gonna go eat my feelings now.

…that one of the best ways to change this world is or have money.

And it kills me because I don’t have it. I went into nonprofit work to help people. Some days I don’t think I do any good. I need money to make any real difference and I will never have money working at a nonprofit. Catch 22 I suppose. It’s pretty aggravating though. How do I get money? I already work hard. So don’t give me any of that. What to do? Unknown. Continue to work hard in my nonprofit and try to make change and create good that way until a solution to the other problem comes to me.

…are hitting hard this year.

I don’t know why but the downer of the holidays being over is hitting me hard today. Probably because we are taking down decorations and I hit the day where I tossed all the Christmas cards. Then I started thinking about Spring. I know everyone loves Spring and Summer but I’m not a huge fan. I think March is quite possibly the worst month of the year. I live for September to now. It’s just the best. And I’m having a bit of a down coming off knowing my favorite time of year doesn’t start for a very long time. It’s just kind of sad. Oh well. Who knows what this year will bring? Good things I hope.