Holy Heat Wave…

…it is September Right?

I know there a lot hotter places in the country with a lot worse heat waves but holy crap it’s been hot here the last few days. I am at work in order to get some A/C (and do work – despite this writing break). It was great motivation to come into work. No apartments in San Diego have A/C (unless your richish) because generally they just aren’t required. But for the like 2-3 weeks it’s sweltering life is a bit miserable in the apartment. I am one of the lucky ones who has a couple of A/C units but that really only makes it livable on these days not exactly comfortable but not nearly as bad as it could be. Marty doesn’t want to go out hardly! So I make sure we do multiple, long early walks when the temperature doesn’t resemble hell. Otherwise it’s a no go for him. He just wont. Looks at me like ‘Mom it’s freaking gross out there and I am gonna stay in here okay?’ I can’t imagine being unhoused when it’s this miserable (ok really at all – my worst fear). There is just no relief for those poor folks.

Back to work! That is what Labor Day is all about yeah?

I’m Trying To Be Okay…

…I really am.

The anxiety has been real bad lately. I’m trying to ignore it and be an adult who continues on with their day, life and work. I’m just not doing a great job. I know I should be able to just deal with it like everyone else seems to be able to. It’s just getting to me lately. The smallest things just add to my weights I’m already carrying and trigger anxiety that flows through me. I wish I was a normal person who just was happy living their same life day in and day out. The normal person who lets things go and roll of them. I envy the normal person. I’m just not and the world has made it very clear that it’s not okay. That I need to suck it up and be like everyone else. Swallow my feelings and pretend. Put on a mask and pretend I’m all good. I’m not. I don’t understand why I’m not allowed to be not okay? I know we have all these GIF’s and commercials for mental health support. But those of us living this shit know that’s where the buck stops. Those commercials and GIFs should fix us. So it’s either recover and recharge or pay rent and eat. Those are our choices and given those choices the world is telling me I have to suck it up and pretend to be like everyone else. This system sucks and I don’t wanna do it anymore. But I’m going to. Because there is no other choice. I hope you get a choice if you’re reading this. I really do.

So I’m gonna feel down tonight and slap on my smile tomorrow because I have to as a ‘respectable adult’.

Just want someone to be there and say I know you’re not okay and I still love you. Always will.

The End of August Has Arrived…

…and all my mind hears is “This is Halloween This is Halloween!”

Although the current heat wave is making it a little harder. Although I grew up in Phoenix, AZ so it was never real cold on Halloween or anytime surrounding Halloween. I can’t wait to decorate the apartment and go shopping for Fall items! OMG it’s going to be awesome. As a desert dweller I am taught to fear and hate Summer. I don’t mind admitting I am the Basic Witch who loves all things Fall and especially Halloween!

I woke up again with anxiety over work and worrying I am dropping the ball and doing a bad job. It wasn’t as bad as the previous night but enough to make me tired today. Anxiety doesn’t just poof go away when you figure it out – it continues to flow through your body for awhile. Or at least it does for me. It flows in blood for awhile making all my cells buzz a little with it. That is the best way I can think to describe it. I hope it doesn’t happen again tonight. It is becoming a problem.

An Anxiety Wave…

…woke me up last night.

It was one of the worst I’ve had in awhile. I was drifting off to sleep when it hit. I was groggy so wasn’t even sure what it was about at first. Which was almost as disorienting as the anxiety. Another case of anxiety about anxiety. I did finally figure out what it was about which helped a little. Aired for the wave to recede a bit and went to sleep. Woke up feeling a lot better but wowza that was a bad wave. Maybe it’s because I switched my birth control patch for a fresh one? Maybe it was just built up. Unsure but I wrote a whopper of an opinion article about how birth control messes ya up. You’ll get to read it soon hahaha here’s hoping that was my last wave for a bit.

Sometimes I Wonder…

…if I am genuinely perhaps one of the most annoying people in the world.

Seriously though. Sometimes when I’m out in a group I find myself telling a story that no one really needed to know. Or talking about something no one else really wants to talk about. Am I just annoying? I kinda think I might be. I think maybe I don’t always do a great job of listening as much as I should. Maybe I don’t pay close enough attention to those around me. I try. I really do but I think I might just fail at it a lot. I’m sorry if it’s difficult to be around me.

I Am Going to Be A Potato…

…and that’s my plan for the weekend.

I just need to get through work today and be productive. I am feeling the burn out. I can feel my brain fraying at the edges and my concentration slipping. Maybe it’s because it’s been a hectic week or just because I have hit some kind of limit. But I am done for now. I plan to watch horrible TV, eat snacks, walk on my treadmill, play with Marty, and chill. That’s it. That’s the entire plan. Anyone have any good recommendations on show to binge? Thought about restarting the Umbrella Academy. Binged Never Have I Ever a couple of weeks ago and really enjoyed it. Of course I did! Mindy Kaling wrote it and she is brilliant. I just need to disconnect from work and the world for a weekend.

Done Dating…

…for awhile.

I think I jumped back into dating too quickly after my relationship ended. I feel completely overwhelmed by it (and by the poor quality of people). Despite approaching spinster age in most peoples opinions, I don’t want to date for awhile. I just want to be me – work, play with Marty and hang out with my friends. That sounds pretty good to me. I am done pressuring myself to find a partner because I am in my late 30’s and trying to force myself into doing things I don’t want to do and I am not ready for. Bring on the spinsterhood bitch. I’m down.

Would not being in a relationship be the worst thing could happen? Is that all life is about. I wont let my life be all about that or the pursuit of that. If it happens – awesome. If it doesn’t – I am still a worthwhile person with value. We need to stop treating single people like they are somehow less. I know I have had my fill of it. Even the people who don’t mean to do it kind of do. That’s almost worse hahaha

I think I might be done…

…writing this blog.

At least for awhile. I started writing as a therapy tool. I thought writing about my anxiety and thoughts would help other people feel better. Or less lonely in their anxiety and I really hope it has. I disconnected my thought of folks reading it really tho because so few people do. I have now realized that I am no longer comfortable sharing all my thoughts with anyone. So I hope you enjoyed it. Might pick it back up someday. But for now at least I think I’ve outgrown my therapeutic need to write.

Trying a New Form Of…

…Birth Control.

If you have PCOS or just struggle with imbalanced hormones, you know that finding the right balance with birth control is a hard game to play. After 20+ years of taking a birth control pill it start making me feel horrible so I have switched to the patch. I need the birth control with the hormones to balance my imbalance. I have only had it on for a day so nothing to report yet other then I am excited to see if it works better for me. I hope it helps redistribute my weight properly an stops some of the increased facial hair since going off the pill. The overall appointment with the new health care provider was good. She took the time to listen to me and answer my questions. She didn’t run in and run out. The office made sure to get my medical records transferred. I do get to have another super fun internal ultrasound to ensure my fibroids haven’t gotten a lot worse. Looking forward to that (can you sense the sarcasm). It’s not horrible but it’s definitely not fun. That’s the update for now. I will keep you posted my PCOS peeps.

I did have to wait roughly 4 months for an appointment with anyone. So ladies schedule those wellness exams and get your pap done!