Why Are We So Afraid of…

…jealousy.

It’s just a feeling. Like any other. It’s natural and normal. Like any other feeling, you are welcome to feel it without it controlling you. But people shove it down and deny it so much that it erupts out and hurts everyone. Well I am not ashamed to say I feel jealous sometimes. Relationships, paths not taken, rich people, beautiful people – they all have something I admire or don’t have. Why shouldn’t I feel some jealousy. It doesn’t take anything from me to feel it. I can still be grateful for what I have and feel my feelings at the same time. It’s not a great feeling but neither is sadness, pain or boredom but it’s just a feeling. Better to feel it and go through rather then have it build up until you drown. Just something I was pondering.

A Lot of Inspiration Today…

…from my volunteers.

I was out with my volunteers in the Desert Garden today and so much of what they said in conversation stuck with me (along with a few cactus spines).

#1 “The Desert sure does reinforce that no touching rule well.”
It’s so true! The desert is truly beautiful but it’s also harsh. Almost every plant it out to get you and prick you. Let me tell you it’s not like it pricks you and it’s over. It’s meant to stick in you and make you pay for the intrusion. Do not take cacti lightly. I got lucky today and the spine pulled straight out but most of the time there are multiples hooked into you. Those plants know how to protect themselves from harm and hungry critters. Hot tip – the enzymes in a banana peel help pull them out of your skin (also whitens your teeth).

#2 We had a whole conversation about Backstreet Boys
This really just made me smile. Seems every generation has an opinion on BSB vs. NSYNC. BSB all day everyday.

#3 What is the bigger threat to us/Earth plastic or anything else?
We got to talking about plastic versus other threats to the planet. So much plastic is used mindlessly. They are finding microplastics in human blood. If you don’t think it’s affecting you, believe me it is. This led to other interesting topics like responsibly sourced meat vs not and eventually our thought on Sea World.

#4 Nature Documentaries

We discussed David Attenborough and nature documentaries and legitmacy. Particularly with Black Fish and Seaspiracy. This led to scare tactics vs creating allies.

Amazing day with my volunteers!

Andrea Goes To NYC…

…and has an awesome time!

I went to NYC last weekend and it was great except my friend who was going to meet me couldn’t come. It did give me a chance to make a new friend though and she was a ton of fun! I saw 2 musicals on Broadway: SIX and Moulin Rouge. The whole trip was based around seeing Aaron Tviet before he left the show and he was AMAZING. Swoon worthy for sure. He makes his talent look so effortless – I know it’s not. He was everything I dreamed and I am so glad I got to see him perform live. Bucket list item checked off. I loved both shows but I gotta say i enjoyed SIX more as a show. It was bright and funny with amazing performers. All about girl power and ‘herstory!’ Absolutely AMAZING. I went to two museums: The Met and the American Museum of Natural History. I only had about two hours in both and definitely didn’t see everything. What I did see what great. I saw the In America An Anthology of Fashion exhibit. AMAZING. So beautiful and powerful. Stunning and worth waiting in line for. I blew through a few other exhibits as well. I spent a lot of time in the Nat in the human origins exhibit. I had studied so ‘Lucy’ throughout my undergrad and it was amazing to see the real deal on exhibit. Also went to see the dinosaurs so I could send photos to my nephew. Had to see the blue whale so I blew through that section too. I had a couple of good meals: gnocchi mac and cheese which was rich and delicious was my high light (other then the bagel but I knew that would be amazing). Had a cosmo of course! Had to. I had my new friend for the shows but most everything else I did by myself. I thought I would be nervous but really I felt independent and strong. I got to through the museums at my pace without worrying about another person being bored. Ubers were my big unexpected cost. I was running short on time and it was pouring rain most of the weekend so I ended up ubering a lot more and walking a lot less then expected. Worth it though! I got the saver tickets on Alaska airline but got really lucky with a aisle seat both ways and an empty middle seat on the way back. my roomie watched Marty so I knew he was in good hands which meant I could enjoy my trip. Tax refund put to good use 😉 It was wonderful and I can’t wait for my next travel adventure.

Anxiety Settling in My Chest…

…and that’s a tough thing to quell.

Anxiety of any kind isn’t great and right now mines sitting in my chest. It’s making me short of breathe and I can feel it tingling beneath my skin. So many reasons for the anxiety right now that I can’t boil it down to just one for you. I do know the person who could help and be my white knight chooses not too. It would be hard to and put them out of their comfort zone and they pretty much live in their comfort zone. That’s not to say that’s a bad thing it just might not suit my life. Then I remembered I don’t need a f*cking white knight. I know how to ride a horse. Just need the chest settled anxiety to pass. It’s been a rough couple of days. Anxiety enduring to say the least.

I try to write about anxiety as it’s happening for a few reasons. 1) makes me feel better to put it somewhere aside from my body 2) people without anxiety can read it and have a small idea of the true effects 3) so people experiencing anxiety know they aren’t alone or weird. I feel you. I’m here for you.

May the 4th…

…be with you.

Happy Star Wards day y’all! I know there are bigger things happening in the world and country right now, but I need more processing time before writing about those. I have strong feelings about them – I just don’t think I can express them the way I want to yet. So for now, let’s talk Star Wars and in the importance of the fandom to so many. Personally, I enjoy Star Wars but it isn’t what I would call one of my big fandoms. That doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate the impact it has had on peoples lives. It inspires people to dream, even if it seems silly to others. It taught us we all have light and dark and can change. It highlights that light can’t exist without dark and vice versa. Most importantly, it’s never too late to do the right thing. ALSO that Leia was one of the only super bad ass useful characters in the series who didn’t run and hide at the first sign of trouble (cough cough Han and Luke). Adam Driver was one of the best castings. I wonder what would have happened in the story if Carrie Fisher hadn’t died. I don’t think Han was supposed to be Ben’s saving grace – always mean to be Leia. Life changes plans though and best we can do is make Space Mom proud. So let’s make Space Mom and all the strong women proud and fight the shit that’s happening right now to deny woman rights to our own bodies – but that’s for another post. Stay tuned…

I’m Having a Really Hard Time With…

…this long term Covid bullshit.

Todays new long term symptom is nausea with the dizzies. FUCK I can’t do this anymore. I really can’t. I am trying to be strong and work hard and push through with a smile on my face not asking for help or being a bother. But it’s pretty hard. I want to tell people just how bad I feel and that I need understanding and support. I know I would get it. But I don’t want to burden anyone. I don’t want to be the whiny complainer who can’t power through. That’s how my day is going. How’s yours?

A Fun New COVID Long Term Symptom…

…but why?

We have talked about the fatigue, which is still present. We have talked about Brain Fog – which is actually getting a little better. We talked about my taste being off – this seems to be getting worse. The new side effects are lose of appetite and diarrhea. Yeah I said. The symptom of anything that no one wants to talk about in polite society. But everybody poops right? I didn’t want to eat last night but I thought it might help with my muscle fatigue today. So I talked myself into dinner. I thought what can I have that’s is sweet (sweet is the only flavor that tastes remotely as it should) but has protein and settled on mini corn dogs. I put those in the airfyer and grabbed some chips. I slathered the mini corn dogs in honey mustard and got them down and only had a few chips (if you know me you know only having a few chips is basically impossible for me. I love chips). About an hour later felt like I had a rock in my stomach. Woke up and had a Kodiak protein waffle (love those too). It was satisfying because it didn’t taste right. I also burned it but I couldn’t taste it so who cares. I have been in digestive pain ever since. HOW am I still developing symptoms? Not like my COVID case was particularly serious – wasn’t hospitalized. I guess I am just a lucky winner of long term symptoms. On the plus side I have lost a few pounds. Always a silver lining right?

Audible with Andrea…

…An Offer from a Gentleman by Julia Quinn.

I wanted to continue the story without waiting another year for another season of Bridgerton to come out. If you haven’t at least heard of the Bridgerton series on Netflix then you likely don’t read this blog. this book focuses on Benedict and was a nice break from Anthony’s sense of duty and whining about it (I love Anthony, it just got to be a bit whiny). Benedict has a little more freedom but is seen a little less. He isn’t in line to inherit any title but it still wealthy and well known as a Bridgerton rather then Benedict. That is until Sophie shows up. Being invisible herself as a bastard she gets it. It is very much a play on Cinderella (Big Ever After Vibes) which I think we are all kind of over, but the strong female character in Sophie helps. She never needed or asked to be rescued. She is savvy and smart – just dealt a bad hand. It was a satisfying listen and I recommend it. The only annoying part was how the narrator voiced Benedict. Kinda weird. But a small blip in an enjoyable read. LOVED the continuation of the story was the added chapter. I always want more of a book and to check on the character. I loved that Posey was the focus.

A Single Person’s Side Effect…

…or maybe it’s just me?

An unexpected side effect of being a single woman in her 30’s is not being a ‘suitable’ candidate as a god parent. You’re alone. How could you possibly be an effective god parent when no one loves you? Maybe it’s just I’m an unsuitable god parent? Could be. I am great with kids but have no desire to have my own. I am pretty content loving everyone else’s. It’s just that being unmarried has deemed me unfit in this way and I really don’t think that’s fair. But what do I know? I’m just a single woman in my 30’s.

I was thinking about this post (wrote it a few days ago) and I was worried it was a bit harsh. But this is my therapy tool and it’s what I was feeling at the time. Sorry if anyone took offense to it.

I Am Really, Really Trying…

…but with the return of Brain Fog on top of just being exhausted all the time, I am not doing a great job at life. I am trying to push through it. I am trying not to complain too much (except on here). I am trying to do my best job at home and in my personal relationships. But I feel like I am failing miserably at it because I can’t focus on anything and even when I can my body is usually to exhausted to carry whatever it is I need to do out. It’s extremely vexing (been listening to the Bridgerton series on audible so I am mixing my language hahaha). Today has been on of the hardest days yet with the lasting side effects. I am so tired I could just burst into tears. The brain fog coming back does nothing to help it. Here’s hoping I don’t fuck up too much today and that tomorrow is an improvement.

Update: my Diet Coke tastes wrong which is a lasting side effect too. I don’t mind that as much tho.