I Want to Be Engaged But…

…maybe not married.

That sounds weird, I know. In my first therapy session back the subject came up. She said what do you want from this relationship or what is the next step. I said moving in – which is true and I added being engaged but not married. I have to get my shit together before I can marry someone in the finance department which is the main reasoning behind that answer. I want the life long commitment but time to fix my shit. Also, after watching my parents get divorced – I think that the commitment would be enough without all the legal crap. I know there is protection in the legal crap but it seemed SO Hard to undo. So with an engagement, I get the commitment, romantic gesture, and a pretty ring – which is exactly what I want (eventually). I realized that perhaps being legally married isn’t something I need right now. We could have a big engagement party to celebrate with our families and do a hand fasting. Then, when the time is right – we can get married – at our own p(e)ace. Is that crazy? Or just crazy enough to be awesome?

The Real Hero of ‘The Baker and the Beauty’ is…

Daniels ex girlfriend.

Seriously. I ran out of shows so I started watching this cutesy show. It has good parts and not good parts, but the best part is Daniels ex. She put her self out there to propose and got her ass handed to her by someone she loved and trusted. Did she wallow? Nope. She picked herself up and kicked ass. She manages Daniel’s brothers music career, is a top real estate agent, and moved on like the bad ass she is. This character makes the show for me. She just met Daniels new love interest in the bathroom and thanked her for stopping a life with a man who didn’t fully love her. She said she helped Daniels Family and she was grateful for that. She even made jokes. She was the epitome of class in a really bad situation. This character embodied women supporting women and not tearing each other down over a guy – and I loved it. I will keep watching this silly show because of it. Just saying.

All These Silly, Made Up Holidays…

…aren’t so silly in my opinion.

Today is World Ocean Day and National Best Friend Day. I have heard these days called ‘stupid’ or ‘silly’ but I think they are fun. They give you a reason to think of your best friend or eat donuts or celebrate the ocean. Why can’t they just be fun. This goes along with my disliking the term basic – have some fun and like what you like. Take these holidays as a fun thing and roll with it or ignore them.

There are definitely more important things happening in the world right now then these holidays but you gotta find your joy somewhere and today mine was found in the goofy holidays.

What is your favorite ‘made up’ holiday? (p.s. Donut Day actually has a cool history complete with donut lassies – I wonder how many more do to? https://news.salvationarmynorth.org/2013/06/a-taste-of-history-fried-dough-front-lines-the-salvation-army/)

I Didn’t Know…

…all of the things I didn’t know. I am ashamed of how uneducated I was on the subject.

I am doing my best to educate myself on current events and the racism abound in this country (and all over the world). I am sharing with you some resources that have been shared with me. The one thing I am absolutely sure of is I can no longer be silent for fear of saying the wrong thing. Thanks to all the wonderful people who contributed to this list.



Good Read/Better LISTEN!https://www.amazon.com/Talking-to-Strangers-audiobook/dp/B07NJCG1XS/ref=sr_1_2?crid=1LLWC4TEDXKZB&dchild=1&keywords=talking+to+strangers+malcolm+gladwell&qid=1591387648&sprefix=talking+t%2Caps%2C196&sr=8-2
Something is very wrong, Gladwell argues, with the tools and strategies we use to make sense of people we don’t know. And because we don’t know how to talk to strangers, we are inviting conflict and misunderstanding in ways that have a profound effect on our lives and our world. 

A panel I attended a few days ago (virtually). Really eye opening.- https://www.racialequitytools.org/resourcefiles/olcese.pdf

Resources on Being a Better Ally:
https://www.goodgoodgood.co/anti-racism-resources
https://www.vogue.co.uk/arts-and-lifestyle/article/non-optical-ally-guide

More to come!

Lyrics to Relate Too…

…and spread the lava. It’s all in the timing,

A long long time ago
There was a volcano
Living all alone in the middle of the sea He sat high above his bay
Watching all the couples play
And wishing that he had someone too And from his lava came
This song of hope that he sang out loud
Every day
For years and years I have a dream
I hope it will come true
That you’re here with me
And I am here with you
I wish that the earth, sea, and the sky up above
Will send me someone to lava

Years of singing all alone
Turned his lava into stone
Until he was on the brink of extinction
But little did he know
That living in the sea below
Another volcano
Was listening to his song

Everyday she heard his tune
Her lava grew and grew
Because she believed his song was meant for her
Now she was so ready to meet him above the sea
As he sang his song of hope for the last time

I have a dream
I hope it will come true
That you’re here with me
And I am here with you
I wish that the earth, sea, and the sky up above
Will send me someone to lava

Rising from the sea below
Stood a lovely volcano
Looking all around
But she could not see him
He tried to sing to let her know
That she was not there alone
But with no lava, his song was all gone
He filled the sea with his tears
Watched his dreams disappear
As she remembered what his song meant to her

I have a dream
I hope will come true
That you’re here with me
And I am here with you
I wish that the earth, sea, and the sky up above
Will send me someone to lava

Oh they were so happy
To finally meet above the sea
All together now their lava grew and grew
No longer are they all alone
With Aloha as their new home
And when you go and visit them this is what they sing

I have a dream I hope it will come true
That you will grow old with me, and I will grow old with you
We thank the earth, sea, and the sky we thank too
I lava you
I lava you
I lava you

Sometimes Disney just does it for me…

Fucking Anxiety…

…sucks!

I don’t know if it’s being back at work full time or the fact that I am having a bit of separation anxiety from my dog (he’s getting groomed – I know it’s a bit silly but it’s true) but my anxiety has been not great lately. Especially right now – the smallest thing sets it off.

Someone in a leadership role at work asked if I was on site – no when would I be onsite – Monday – ok I will call you in a few. My mind jumps to “What am I about to get yelled at for?” I haven’t done anything to my knowledge to get yelled at for but my heart is still racing and my mind – my stomach hurts. All these physical manifestations of anxiety are really not awesome. The last 7 minutes since I got that text have felt like a year. Why does my brain and body do this to me? I have worked hard and done the best I know how to do so even if I do get yelled at I know it’s not due to negligence. Why can’t I let it roll off me like everyone else can?

Living Up to…

…not wasting time.

I was searching for a post for IG @setmyownp.e.ace yesterday about living by the clock and I came across a post that compared ‘time wasters’ and thought to myself, if whatever you are doing brings you joy or helps you relax is it wasted time? It felt really judge mental. Then I saw a post that said ‘time enjoyed is never time wasted.’ I agree with that and it’s place in setting my own p(e)ace. It’s not that I think TV is a great use of time but maybe it is? Watching news programs to inform yourself, watching sitcoms to relax (usually contain good messages), historical fiction which is both entertainment and education, and straight up education shows. If you enjoyed or learned something how can you call it wasted time? Mr. Rogers raised a generation and now there is a whole Daniel Tiger show carrying the messages in a modern way. If binge watching something helped you escape when you needed it, why is that wasting time? I am using the TV example because it strikes me the most but there were a few others too. Art is never time wasted, anything you enjoy is never time wasted. Anything in excess isn’t great, but come on – you can’t be productive ALL the time. I personally don’t want to have to live up to that and not get any time for fun, relaxation, or escapism. I’ll take some ‘wasted’ time and be okay not living up to the constantly productive standards. I can my community better with productive time of volunteering (and working at a nonprofit) and also ‘waste’ a little time enjoying myself. Keeps me sane!

Watching A Clock Once Again…

…sucks!

During quarantine I did not have to keep an eye on the clock at all times. It was actually one of the few perks. I ate when I was hungry and slept when I was tired. I didn’t have meetings and appointments to keep track of all day everyday (except my live streamed workout class). It was freeing. Now my life to back to constantly watching a clock – mostly for work stuff like meetings, when to take lunch (there are restrictions), not going into OT, and for calculating how much sleep I need to get. If I wake up later and clock in later then I am signing myself up to work later. It’s exhausting after the nice break of not watching it.

I think that was really the first time in my adult life I have not had to hawk eye a clock. Even on vacation I had to watch for flight times, rush hour, when a happy hour starts and ends, when an activity or ticket is. I never realized how much control that clock has over my life and stress level. Now that I do and know I am basically powerless to it, it doesn’t feel great.

Anyway gotta go because that is the end of the 10 minute break and 1.68 hours until my 30 minute lunch. Alarms and clock are setting my p(e)ace and I am not sure I am okay with it…

My Anxiety Got…

…the better of me….again…

I have health insurance again so I can resume therapy – which is the good news. Prioritizing this in my costs among the many, many costs became necessary when the my anxiety burst out of my body a few days ago.

Like most anxiety attacks, it was irrational. Anxiety can not be rationalized away in most cases (for me anyway). I series of things to stress about had just built up (not big things but felt big at that moment) and one little thing (that was mostly in my head) set off and eruption that had no where to go but out my eyeballs. Funny thing tho – I usually calm myself and eventually it passes. My dude happened to be there for this one and he just held me tight and it really helped a lot. I know there is a while science about this with your nerve endings and all and that’s true and cool but this felt like a hug for my soul. He genuinely cared that my anxiety was that bad in a way no one really has before. It was really nice to have.

I need to remember to prioritize my mental health too. A lesson I keep learning and I am sure will learn countless more times.

Do You Ever Wonder How Your Exes Are…

…I do.

Today, I got to thinking what my major ex boyfriends are up to these days. At first I thought it was an odd stray whim, but then I thought a little deeper. I spent a year plus of my life with each of these people. I got to know them pretty well in the phase they were in in their lives at the time and they knew me. We had sex. I know that isn’t a huge deal but when I think about being intimate with someone and then a few years later having no clue what their life is like is kind of crazy.

*this is of my own doing. Once I am done with a man I don’t really want to sit around and watch him move on. But after time passes and disappointment fades – I would like to know what they are up to and if they are happy.

My first love and I have a few people in common so I have a good pulse that he is very happy and healthy. The others just sort of faded into the background of my life. I just find it so weird. Does anyone else wonder where their exes are now and if they are setting their own p(e)ace too? Do they wonder how I am?