…and I compared the building to wiggling like Jello.

I have a few ideas to write about but decided that today wasn’t the day. I am way over tired and my brain is mush from 13 hours of travel (could have driven to Phoenix and back in that time) so decided my writing might not have the best tone today. I have felt like I was moving all day (yay travel vertigo) so it took me a minute to realize the building around me really was wiggling! It was so freaky! You must understand as someone from Arizona I have never experienced this (or anything outside a monsoon or haboob).

When I was in AmeriCorps I was required to run earthquake drills and while I ran them to a T, I always thought oh man I wont use this. Then my first earthquake comes and I am frozen on the couch. My over tired brain is thinking what should we do? Duck under a table? Go outside? Sit here debating what to do while I watch tv? Then I heard the little girls who lives above me run outside (with their mom) and they all sounded so freaked out that I went out to chat with them. Not because I thought it was the safest thing to do but because they needed a distraction and I happen to excellent in a crisis…when there is someone to take care of. As soon as those little girls needed something in this situation I took action – no questioning. When debating my own safety I couldn’t pick a course of action. That is a strange thing about me…I am better at helping others then myself. Anyone else out there find this to be the case? How do you become good at both? Or do I need someone to help for a call to action? Is that how I am wired?

Also, I have been in my work clothes since I got home (blue polo, khakis) and I had the distinct thought of if this gets bad I am going to be found in this outfit! Put on my cutest PJs immediately.

…the types of modern guys I have experienced recently.

After another cancellation of what I termed a ‘nice’ guy, I am rethinking my approach to modern dating. I am trying to date in a modern world with an old school approach. Perhaps I need a new approach. Modern dating types for your and my consideration in setting your/my own p(e)ace.

The ‘Throuple’

One of my matches on Tinder was a couple. They were looking to add a third in the sense of adding to their emotional and physical relationship. I chatted for a but and seriously considered it. While ultimately I decided a physical relationship with another woman wasn’t for me, it was about more then that. Ultimately, I would have been the outsider in an established relationship, the guest star. That is not something I am ready to consider or risk. I recognize the benefits of such a relationship, but ultimately not my path in setting me own p(e)ace.

Utterly Confused Guy

This man has no idea WTF he wants. He wants to know what he wants but doesn’t. He will come in and out of your DM’s and texts. One day he is completely into you and does everything in his power to convince you of it and the next he ‘isn’t ready’ and his life is ‘too hectic’ and he doesn’t want to ‘drag you into his stuff.’ It’s not that he is lying to you – he believes what he is saying every time he flip flops, BUT don’t most people deserve better? I know I do. This man is looking for you to somehow add clarity to his life, be his rock, fix what’s wrong – you are not anyone’s genie. You want a partner not a project. In a partnership there should be equal support. Either that or his is just stringing you along. Either way not for me or my p(e)ace.

The Honest Man

I have been on a date or two with this man and we talk fairly frequently. He has never been anything but honest and upfront about who he is or what he wants. We have spoken in an honest but flirtatious way – we have discussed when were last test for STI’s, what we would expect from a physical relationship, and our last sexual partners – but it’s still fun. This is by far my leading candidate. He is beautiful and upfront. I feel that he can walk the line of physically aggressive but respectful at the same time. I would know exactly what I was getting and it might just be fun while we figure out if it’s anything. BUT with this man comes all the things you never knew you didn’t want to know come up and you start imagining other women he’s seeing, things from the past that don’t really matter, etc. It’s trade off to be sure. If you can live in the moment this man could truly be fun. At this point fun is sounding pretty freaking awesome.

Do you have a type of man or woman to add to my list? Leave a comment!

…does not define me…most of the time.

About a year ago at work I walked into the bathroom on a truly disturbing conversation between two little girls – maybe 10 years old. They were looking at their reflection and seemed concerned. She then said called herself fat while looking at her own reflection. I was shocked – this little girl is concerned with being fat?! She is a child – she should be worried about a test or if she will have a sleep over this weekend, not her weight. I started wondering how this 10 year old got the idea let alone the worry that she is fat, then it hit me – she got it from us. Us being women in general in this case. I can’t tell you how many women I hear say this all the time – including me. These young ladies are hearing how we as women speak and repeating it. Is that the example you want to set? It is most certainly not a behavior I want to pass on to the next generation of women. I vowed then and there not to allow the weight of my weight weigh me down and drag other ladies down with it. Weight is a number. It can be a baseline of basic health but it shouldn’t define how attractive I feel or how I view myself. Weight will go up and down but I am still me and you are still you. Join me to set a better example for all little ladies so they don’t spend their time worrying they are fat at ten years old. I am late to the I weigh campaign but I weigh strength, perseverance, joy, empathy, encouragement, and awesome. What do you weigh?

P.S. I really wanted a burger and fries tonight and I got it – guilt free. Best tasting burger I’ve ever had.

…with setting your own p(e)ace. Recently I have started seeing a therapist. I tried once before but didn’t connect with the prior therapist. I see my therapist through a Skype type program which I really like. I am comfortable in my won home but still get my sessions. I started seeing a therapist to help keep my emotional reactions to negative things in better perspective and check. This is something I wasn’t able to accomplish on my own and having the help of an unbiased third party has been really nice. I am not saying I am magically fixed but I understand it better now which helps. The reactions, like all things, run deeper then they seem and we started to get into that today. It was the first session I have had that has been emotionally difficult which is why I decided to write about it and share it with anyone reading.

I do think that all people could use some therapy for growth and understanding of yourself, but for some reason until today I have been putting off writing about it and sharing it with our community. I realized that the process is difficult, but worth it and definitely worth sharing. This stigma that getting help in way shows weakness is just silly. Self improvement shows strength and I am proud that I am trying.

I will keep you all posted on my progress and how therapy is going from time to time. I don’t think I am quite ready to share specifics yet because it’s still a little unclear. I do hope that others feel more comfortable with their therapy or go get therapy if they want it. Be proud of your self care and taking steps to grow. I am.