Father’s Day

After my Mother’s Day post I thought really hard about what I wanted to say in this Father’s Day post. I was hoping to have a male guest writer to give some perspective on this day but since that didn’t happen I am going to give you a bit of what I have observed then a little bit about my father.

Yesterday I overheard a group of adults talking about Father’s Day versus Mother’s Day. The men were commenting how Mother’s Day is a huge celebrating while Father’s Day is just a BBQ. The women then commented that they would love a beach BBQ and joked about switching. As someone working for the public and creating programming for the public these two days have always been given their equal due; one was never more planned for then the other. What do you think?

Happy Father’s Day to my Dad! Honestly, my dad is one of the greatest Dad’s and certainly was meant to be mine. I do believe you are matched with certain people in your life and my Dad was meant to be my Dad. When I wanted to go into museum work he was full supportive and told me I could do it with the right perspective and sacrifices. When I presented my thesis paper he was the only person from my family to attend. This means he sat through a whole presentation about an evaluation on museum volunteer programs – a subject he had little to no interest in. But he was there anyway, asking questions, clapping, and telling me how well I did at the end. That’s my Dad in a nutshell – always, always there. Thanks for holding me up since 1985!

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I Will Spend the Last Six Months of 2019…

I realized today that there are only six months left in 2019 and so much left to do. As a native Phoenician, I am trained to fear and hate Summer and I found myself wishing it was Fall. That’s wishing three months away. Don’t get my wrong, Fall is still my jam, but I am not ready to trade those three months. So the next thought is what am I going to do with those three months and the three after that. I need to set some half year goals! This will help me check in with myself to ensure I am setting my own p(e)ace and change course when needed.

2019 half year goals:

  1. Put 3% of every paycheck into my savings account
  2. Workout three times a week instead of two – every week
  3. Perform at least three acts of kindness per week
  4. Run Halloween 5K in Spider Gwen gear (my dream is to be an athletic nerd)

These may change at my 3/4’s of the year check in but for now I think this a good start. Does anyone want to make some half year goals with me?

Picking It Back Up…

…and never giving up. If you follow my Instagram account @setmyownp.e.ace you know the feeling of being unsure got the best of me for a minute yesterday. I got to the gym to go to R.I.P.P.E.D. and had a short conversation with my brother. I don’t know if it was feeling safe with my brother or realizing how far off I am of his perfect marriage but I just started crying…really crying…the kind where it takes all of your efforts to stop. I debated just driving back home and giving into the feeling of being unsure and insecure for the night but I just couldn’t do it. I knew I had to to stop the tears, go into that gym, and get my workout in because that is who I want to be. I want to set my own p(e)ace, feel my feelings, but not let them control my life. Working out is an important part of my p(e)ace, sanity, and self-esteem. My mom always told me the best thing you can do when you’re feeling bad is to get up, do you hair, put on your makeup and go out about your business. Going into that workout was my version if this advice. An hour later I felt more like myself. I wasn’t completely okay but I was better. Today is a new day and I intend to live it while attempting to leave the overwhelming insecure feeling behind in yesterday.

I Can’t Help But Be Unsure…

I want to believe that I am doing a good job setting my own p(e)ace but a lot of the time I am unsure. I am unsure that I am making the right choices. I am unsure I am reacting appropriately to situations. I am unsure of my place even in the lives of my family. I am unsure of my willingness to take chances on people most of all. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt but most of them end up being not good people. I am not sure I have any benefit left to give anyone which isn’t great. I don’t think I am alone in this. What do you feel unsure about?

I might just be having a rough or insecure day but how does one overcome the unsure factor?

Feeling unsure and lost is part of your path. Don't avoid it. See what those feelings are showing you and use it. Take a breath. You'll be okay. Even if you don't feel okay all the time.

There is only one thing I am absolutely sure of. I do NOT belong in California. I am done here. I am making it my personal mission to move, specifically to Denver. I know the beach is great but my soul misses the mountains. The mountains are calling and I must go!

The mountains are calling and I must go. #camping #mountains #quotes

Seeking Approval from Anyone But Yourself…

…is usually a mistake and only impedes setting your own p(e)ace.

It is natural to seek the approval of those around you, much like comparing yourself to those around you. The most prominent example that comes to mind in my life is work. You receive a review that let’s you know directly if you have your supervisors approval. I dread this review – it’s not that I am not confident in the job I do it’s that my job depends on this one person’s approval. That is a terrifying prospect. I tortured myself for a year with letting this person down until I received some good advice. Let it go. Let the need for this person’s approval go. Do the best job you can do and seek your own approval and praise. Once I did that my stress lessened by a lot. I stopped calculating the exact amount of money I would make if I got fired at that moment and I stopped crying when I got home at least twice a week.

When you tell a friend or family member about a life event or ask for advice are you really seeking their approval? I wonder this about myself pretty often. I am looking for someone to tell me it’s okay or I am making the right choice. While talking things through with people is a good thing, the only person’s approval you need is your own. You know what you want to do and what is right for you. Trust that.

Comparing Yourself Is Destructive to Your P(e)ace…

I know for an absolute fact that comparing yourself to others is the surest way to destroy happiness when setting my own p(e)ace. Knowing this does not make not comparing myself any easier.

We are hard wired to compare ourselves from a young age, even before we are born. Yes, reasonably I know that if for medical purposes and developmental milestones are important to track health so let’s skip to school and grades. The first thing my friends and I did when getting a test or an essay back is to compare grades. If you got a better grade you felt super awesome (admit it). If you got a lower, or god forbid the lowest, grade you felt terrible. You weren’t as smart or as good as your peers. It took me a long time to realize this was not the only way to measure intelligence. I began setting my own p(e)ace with intelligence and grades in grad school…that is how long it affected me.

Comparing myself physically to those around me is another destructive habit to setting my own p(e)ace. I was never the skinny girl but I was never really large either. I floated right in the middle. Not thin and hot but not curvy and proud either; I didn’t belong to either camp. If I am being honest, I did a lot more comparison with the thin, beautiful women. I still do this even though I love most parts of my physical appearance. On a recent trip to Hawaii this was particularly difficult. There were tons of beautiful, thin swim suit models around me and it made me really self conscious to compare myself to them. I workout regularly and I am not the worst eater (not the best either…love my chips). I love my muscle and lean look I have gained in the last few years but it still isn’t up to par with those beautiful skinny women when I compare myself. This is a huge blockade to my p(e)ace.

I would talk about comparing my love life with others but my small but awesome readership knows the story there. Most of the time I don’t feel bad about being single.

Comparing myself with others on a financial level is difficult. I work at a nonprofit so I don’t exactly make a ton of money. I live in southern California and it’s expensive on top of not making a lot. I don’t own a house, I can’t do a lot of fun things most of the time due to lack of funds, and others around me seem to have the money thing figured out. I know I make the choice to work at a nonprofit and make what I make, but I still work really hard to be so poor. It’s kind of embarrassing when I got out with family and can’t ever pick up the check and someone else always does. I truly believe and love what I do, but comparing financials is tough in the career world of setting my own p(e)ace.

So how do I stop comparing myself? The first thing I do is remind myself of all the wonderful things I am and have in my life. When I finally accepted my brand of knowledge is more practical then academic I learned how valuable that is in life, especially at work. When I compare to women who may be more beautiful then I am I remind myself I have a killer booty and how working out makes me happy. That is why I workout, sanity. The nicer body is a benefit to my sanity and stress relief. When I feel behind financially I remind myself this is the choice I made and all the benefits of my work for not only myself but those I serve. There is so much beauty in me and everyone; just look a little harder and shine it up!

What battles do you fight with comparison? How do you overcome them?

When your own p(e)ace makes you poor…

Today I ended up one quarter short of being able to do one load of laundry. I searched my whole house for one more quarter for one load of laundry only to come up short.

Overall I want the tone of this blog and instagram account @setmyownp.e.ace to have a positive tone but today’s isn’t entirely positive. I apologize in advance.

I always knew I wanted a job that made a difference and that richness can come in many forms. I still want this but working so hard to be a quarter short of the ability to do one load of laundry does make me question it a bit. I will have no clean laundry (much less groceries) until I get paid in over a week.

To be fair I did go out to happy hour with a friend last week and spent my one quarter and then some. I thought I could make it work…not so much. So setting my own p(e)ace has gotten me the a job in the field I desired but prevented me from clean clothes for 1.5 weeks. I take responsibility for my choice in career and know I could have made more on another path BUT I do feel I should make enough for one meal out and a load of laundry.

I can’t help but wonder if I had a partner I would perhaps have some clean clothes right now. It would be nice to have someone hand me a quarter and say don’t worry I am here as your partner in finding that last quarter. Of course this statement is bigger then laundry and comes back to something I ponder with setting my own p(e)ace and not finding a partner yet.

I take pride in the ability to take care of myself and be independent but still I can’t help but wonder how nice it would be to have a partner to lean on and who I in turn can support. I am thankful for the other folks in my life who would readily let me come over and do laundry, and I will likely them up on it, but you know what I mean by a partner in life being a wonderful thing and I do want that.

When someone has a different p(e)ace…

Well my romantic relationship is officially over. I am not sorry how to ended as it was pretty amicable and thought out. I suppose not every romance can be the romance but it is still a little sad. I truly tried my best and it’s all I can do…we are just moving at different p(e)aces. It is time to open myself up to the possibility of someone moving at my p(e)ace. Until then stay tuned for adventures on the search to find him ;D

My question to all of you is can you be friends with an ex? I have never been able to be friends with someone who has been inside me but we might actually make good friends. Opinions?

When setting your own p(e)ace is wearing you out…

I am truly and utterly exhausted at the moment and it is almost entirely my own fault, and I know it. This sentiment is true of me right now, but also of those around me. I have listened to and commiserated with many of my friends and coworkers on this very topic. There are so many commitments this time of year and time of life…weddings, graduations, baby showers, visiting family, etc. This is all on top of work (which I need to pay for all those other things) and my regular life. Between the things I really wanted to do this week and things I must do (work) I am officially wondering if my current p(e)ace is too much for me. If it is, how do I slow it down without missing out on opportunities and experiences? I truly want to know you opinion and suggestions on this. How do you keep your balance while setting your own p(e)ace?

I thought the quote below really applied to my thoughts on sleep lately. But when does the need for sleep become more important than experiences? I have a hard time drawing this line because as much as I love sleep, I can’t pass up on a great experience.

I love my sleep, but sometimes you just have to have fun late nights!

I would love for you to share your thoughts and wisdom on this topic in the comments section.

P.S. As I mentioned I am sleep deprived at the moment so I apologize for any glaring typos or bad grammar.

Feeling ‘Behind’ is Bad for Romance

I have debated what makes most sense in writing this blog…going in chronological experience order or simply what I feel like saying. I have been writing what comes to my mind on this topic so I feel I will continue in that order. I also have a lot of really exciting guest writers coming up so stay tuned for that. They will be covering feeling behind in life experiences I haven’t had and can’t speak to just yet.

In a previous post you got to read about my first ‘boyfriend.’ I have felt a bit ‘behind’ in the romance department ever since. I had my first kiss at 15 years old and most of my friends had done more by then. I am not even sure I liked my first kiss, but he liked me and I was behind so it did the trick. at 18 I got my first actual boyfriend….

I had a boyfriend before that but he lived in a different state so although he was one of my best friends he was kind of safe. I could say I had a boyfriend without having to have the day to day pressures. I think he was my way of keeping up but not doing anything I wasn’t ready for (hindsight made this more clear). I don’t want it to sound like I didn’t care for him, I did and still do…

Back to being 18 and my first love. I was ready for a ‘real’ boyfriend at this point and like most thing I do I completely jumped in. We went on dates, celebrated month-by-month anniversaries, said ‘I love you’ likely too soon, and had a physical relationship. I found myself trying to make that relationship jump five steps at a time because I needed to keep up with everyone else. This was one of the things that ultimately ended that euphoria of first love.

My next major relationship was at 26 with a nice guy who tried really hard to have feelings for me (which I take as a compliment – I mean I must be cool because he really tried). I held onto that relationship because everyone around me was getting engaged and in love so I had to be to…at any cost. I was willing to sacrifice his happiness and ultimately mine to ‘keep up.’ As you can guess that turned out well.

Both of these nice men are married with kids – to the woman they dated right after me. So perhaps I wasn’t ready for those next steps because I was simply going through the motions because I was ‘behind’ and allowed that to guide my actions.

Five year later, I am in a relationship that I am fighting for for the right reasons; feelings and my gut. I hope it works out but I can tell you one thing – the feeling of having to ‘keep up’ is no where in this relationship and it’s great. Is that because I am so far ‘behind’ I don’t feel the pressure or because I just don’t feel the need to ‘keep up?’ I don’t know but it’s nice not to have that pressure in this relationship. We have actually discussed the fact we always thought when we were younger we’d get married and have kids because it was what you did – but is that what we want? Don’t know, but I am having and will keep having a great time figuring it out without the pressure of being ‘behind.’