…and it doing weird things to my appetite.
Due to moving, new jobs, stress, being busy I stopped taking my birth control pill for about a month and a half. Do I take it for protection against the nine month parasite? Yep. But it’s also PCOS control. I went back on it about two weeks ago and ever since I am either not hungry at all or experience complete and uncontrollable hunger. Ravenous hunger that wont be ignored. Then I binge all my calories in one sitting and feel fucking terrible. Like worse then worse – both stomach ache and guilt. But it feels completely uncontrollable in the moment. Eat eat eat. It’s definitely something I have experienced before but that doesn’t make it any less shitty or any easier to control. I am trying to break the cycle and the binges are getting smaller to be sure which is good. Here’s hoping I level out soon.
…but I don’t.
Am I currently in the best shape? Absolutely not. Do I weigh more then usual? I absolutely do. So I am expected to hate my current body because it isn’t perfect – but I just don’t. Am I trying to eat better? Yes, I am. Am I trying to get my weight down? Yes, I am. Am I preoccupied about it? No, I am not. Am I hating on my body? No, I refuse to. Did I eat a burger and fries for lunch because I didn’t have time for breakfast and was really hungry and it sounded good? Yes, I did. Will I eat healthier through the day to find a balance? Yes I will. Am I taking a natural appetite suppressant that I thoroughly researched? Yes, I am. It helps me feel less ravenous – I am still eating. Do I expect miracles from it? No. Is it my only tool? No. But I am using it as a tool.
I am trying to be smart about losing a few pounds but I am not obsessing (for the most part – we all have our moments). My body is still great a little bigger. I am still attractive and my body still does all of the amazing things it’s supposed to. So, I will not hate on my body even though it’s been thinner and more toned. I will get there again – but I wont hate on my body or myself in the process of getting it back. I still love me 🙂
…to workout on a day I REALLY don’t feel like it.
I had a relapse with the scale and it has not been fun. This quarantine has definitely affected my weight, despite working out 5-6 days a week. Maybe it’s the lack of my very physical job but mostly I think it’s not great eating combined with higher alcohol intake. Either way that number was not awesome. I know better then to let the number on the scale be my workout motivation (because it’s shitty motivation and makes you feel shitty). Letting that be my motivation crashed my want to workout.
So now I am trying to pump myself back up for RIPPED at 5:00 pm. I am going to list all the good reasons I workout. It makes me feel motivated in all areas of my life. Working out makes me feel good. Working out helps quell my anxiety. Doing online workouts with a community during this quarantine is nice – I feel less alone. These are the reasons I am getting my booty up, putting on my cute workout clothes, and doing this workout.
Then I am heading over to perform a seduction because damnit I am beautiful and wonderful at any weight –> and I know a wonderful man who thinks I am too 😉
…and getting while the getting is good.
So – I haven’t been completely laid off yet during this pandemic which is awesome but I have been cut down to part time. We had previously been limited to five hours per week. SO – when the option came up for extra hours I jumped on it. The catch is the shift is all night (standing the watch so to speak). I really thought my days of staying up all night to make ends meet where over (I used to stock shelves at World Market) but I guess not. It’s an easy shift (I actually kind of like it) but recovering from that shift is hades. It messes up my sleep and my eating schedule. I appreciate the hours but this schedule is killing me!
I hope that we all get through this soon and working ALL night is almost over. But I have to make ends meet and I am appreciative that I can get some extra hours. So for now, call me John Snow because I am on the Nights Watch. I will keep you posted for when my watch has ended.