A Common Theme In My Anxiety Is…

…feeling I have failed those around me.

Even if I feel it’s a small failure I can’t help but dwell until my anxiety has convinced me I’m failing someone or everyone. I’m way more worried about failing others then myself. Because failing those I love is failing myself. And around we go in the anxiety spiral. If you know it then you know exactly what I’m talking about. If you don’t know then you are very fortunate and I envy you. Truly I envy you. When I really think about it it’s really self indulgent. I wind up convincing myself I’ve failed everyone and I go apologize and they end up comforting me. Which is inherently selfish really. I want them to tell me I haven’t failed them to reassure me. When it all stemmed from me failing them. So by this point I have failed them twice. Being my friend must be exhausting. I’m serious if you’re my friend I apologize for my crazy and thanks for loving me anyway. I love you all endlessly and I don’t mean to be a nutter. Bless you if you made it through this whole entry and aren’t lost and didn’t give up.

Sometimes I Fail…

…that is the hardest life lesson I learn over and over.

I wrote a grant for work and ended up being kind of in trouble for writing it myself. Turns out I didn’t make it to the finals. I really wanted that one to prove I am a good grant application writer. Truth is – I still think I am. Now, other people will point to this to tell me I am not. Hurts a little to be sure. I just need to remember that sometimes we all fail. It’s how we learn and a vital part of life. How do you enjoy your successes if you do not first have failures? How do you know you improved and worked for it? Again- it sucks to fail – but I wont let myself drown in it. Fall down seven get up eight. Just gotta keep getting up. It is a little harder right now because it has been a long and rough week. But that happens too. Day by day step by step I am moving forward with the hope that next week will be better.

I Thought About Not Writing About This…

…but that’s not what we do here.

It was bad and it was all my fault. It makes me look and feel terrible. BUT this blog is about honesty with you and myself and the world so here we go.

Moved to San Diego (I keep meaning to write on that and other things keep happening). I am on the second floor and I love the place. Moved Marty in and stayed with him for a few days, then I had to go to work. For two day everything was great – then day 3. I left the windows open (screen closed – glass open), so that he would have fresh cool air. HUGE mistake. He tore open the screen (he could access it from on top of the couch) and JUMPED out the window. How do I know this? Thank god I got a pet camera. I saw him jump. I tried talking to him through the camera and stop him but he jumped. I ran out of a meeting with my Director and drove home as fast as I could. I was SO scared. I thought at best he’d have huge injuries and there was a good chance he was dead on the pavement. Suffice it to say I was not okay. But I just had to get to him and asses the situation. I pulled up and saw him walking around the courtyard. I was relieved to see him alive but was still certain he had injuries. I ran into the courtyard and assessed him. He was happy to see me and gave me the ‘Hey mom what’s up’ eyes. I looked all over him and squeezed (not hard, but firmly) all of his limbs and abdomen for signs of pain or injury. He showed no signs of pain and seemed completely normal. I thought to myself ‘thank god’ but didn’t really believe it. I scooped him up and we headed to the emergency vet. I wanted him thoroughly checked out for possibly internal injuries. Adrenaline could be hiding something crucial.

We arrived at the vet and had to wait four hours to be seen. That was okay by me because that meant he wasn’t in immediate danger by his initial exam by the tech. This was a tough four hours because I kept seeing emergency cases rushed in and animals in bad shape (as well as their owners). Marty and I tried to comfort the owners the best we could. One poor pup didn’t make it. His pet sitter was so upset and his family was on their way. It was not easy to watch, so kuddos to the people who work there and live it every day.

We get seen by the vet and he is examined and got an ultra sound for good measure and he is perfectly healthy. FREAKIN MIRACLE that I am so grateful for. Now, I cannot get the image of him jumping out a second story window out of my mind. It keeps replaying and I wanna cry every time. This was on me. It is my job to keep him safe and I failed. I FAILED BIG TIME. So now I need a new plan for him being in the apartment alone. I wont fail him again – who knows how many miracles I get in my lifetime? I need to do better. I love this dog so much, the thought of him being hurt makes me sick. Safety assessments in progress. I will keep you posted!

Anxiety at 3 am…

…might be one of those things that no one with anxiety really talks about.

Last night my alarm went off at 3:00 am for some stupid reason and it set off the alarm in my head. My anxiety focused in on one thing at work. One thing that I will likely suffer a lecture for but my anxiety convinced me I was FOR SURE getting fired. Once you logic that out and feel better in your head the physical symptoms are not really easy to get rid of. Fast heart beat, hot and sweaty, pit in your stomach – the worst. AND you are worried you are going to wake your partner up and they will 1) see just how crazy you are 2) that you will wake up the person you care about at 3:00 am for anxiety your brain made up. The second worst part is being emotionally and mentally tanked the next day.

Lots of stuff happening at work – lots of stuff I am in charge of. What if it goes wrong or south and I fail? Or can’t fill my former bosses shoes? All that has culminated into a few days of awful stress. That’s not to say it is anxiety all day everyday the past week. I have had some really great moments with friends and my dude. Moments that remind me there is more to my life then work. I am kind of living for those moments this week. I look forward to my San Francisco trip in two weeks. It will be nice to have a break.

HAHAHAHA the show I am watching right now is talking about anxiety and how it’s okay to get help. It’s true – therapy rocks!

I Didn’t Do it…

…the Halloween 5K that is.

The Halloween 5K came and went this Sunday and I was not present. I did not achieve the goal I set for myself – but for a good reason. Instead I drove to Tucson, AZ for my nephew’s 1st Birthday party. Training for the 5K also went to pot after I sprained my ankle. I would post a photo but there is a strict ban on posting his cute face online so you will have to take my word for it.

As I was thinking about this post I thought to myself, my readers are going to think those are bunch of convenient excuses….maybe they are? However I am not sorry I got time with my nephew ( I call him my smoosh). He is growing up soooo fast and I am not there for so much of it. Additionally, I got to show support and care for my brother and sister-in-law which is important. Sometimes I feel like what I do isn’t enough but that’s a topic for another post.

My dude helped me with the drive and I don’t know if I could have done that quick a turn around without him. He really was my hero (even though he ate all my fries at our in-n-out stop ;p). We went to Saguaro National Park and stayed in a very nice hotel for a good price (thanks hoteltonight!). It was a nice little get away with him.

A small part of me still feels like a bit of a failure though. Why is that? Any insights?