I got another job working with the census folks. It pays well with a flexible schedule. I am very grateful! I have basically made a living out of talking to strangers so I have a feeling I will be very good at it. I wont starve! Hooray!
After my COVID demotion and pay cut, I still pick up some hours at my old job too (I make much less but it’s something). I am filming tomorrow with a HUGE script that I have one day to memorize and make presentable. I am going to do my best, but I hate doing anything less then prepared. Also, I am putting my own time into preparing –> I don’t get paid for most of it. I know we are all making sacrifices for our nonprofits to survive, but doing that has become so much harder since they sacrificed me without even the courtesy of a phone call (got an email that was clearly copy/pasted from someone else’s because it had their title not mine – I wasn’t even worth getting my old title right). I want to be good so I am gonna do it, but I hope anyone appreciates it, like at all, or even recognizes it. That would be nice. A woman can dream right?
Oh well — Back to memorizing and making more sacrifices.
Whoever said ‘Money can’t buy happiness’ has never worried about how they were going to pay rent or get groceries. I will admit while my money situation isn’t awesome, it isn’t dire…yet. I can’t imagine those who don’t have family helping them but have other mouths to feed that are depending on them. Luckily, I really only have to worry about me and Marty (cutest pup in the world!).
My latest money solved problem was groceries. Not just buying them but getting them. I can no longer park at my dudes house (I wont go into why right now because that is just gonna make me angry and I found out he doesn’t want me writing about him so yeah…). I have been asking him to take me to the grocery store for days. For days it hasn’t happened for this reason or that reason. So I was starting to get angry and I thought to myself ‘I am a grown ass woman and I can solve this problem.’ I mean I choose to be here knowing I can’t have my car here because I love him and he has air conditioning (that last part is a joke but also really nice since it’s been hot). So I am getting groceries delivered which cost $15 extra in delivery fee and tip which I pulled out of my savings (I HATE doing this). But money solved my problem.
Then I got to thinking about how having more money could solve so many of my problems. How many things I could throw money at and how much I would appreciate it as a person who has willingly committed myself to a life a mediocre pay to work at nonprofits because it’s important. So, the point, if you do have money I want you to really appreciate it. I know that most people out there worked hard for their money and that is awesome! Still enjoy what it brings. If you don’t have money don’t be stupid like me and spend it on a delivery fee. hahahaha But hey I will have groceries in two hours and I am making fajitas while I drink my lemonade Truly’s (they are my newest vice, actually good for fewer calories then a glass of wine!).
I don’t know if it’s being back at work full time or the fact that I am having a bit of separation anxiety from my dog (he’s getting groomed – I know it’s a bit silly but it’s true) but my anxiety has been not great lately. Especially right now – the smallest thing sets it off.
Someone in a leadership role at work asked if I was on site – no when would I be onsite – Monday – ok I will call you in a few. My mind jumps to “What am I about to get yelled at for?” I haven’t done anything to my knowledge to get yelled at for but my heart is still racing and my mind – my stomach hurts. All these physical manifestations of anxiety are really not awesome. The last 7 minutes since I got that text have felt like a year. Why does my brain and body do this to me? I have worked hard and done the best I know how to do so even if I do get yelled at I know it’s not due to negligence. Why can’t I let it roll off me like everyone else can?
During quarantine I did not have to keep an eye on the clock at all times. It was actually one of the few perks. I ate when I was hungry and slept when I was tired. I didn’t have meetings and appointments to keep track of all day everyday (except my live streamed workout class). It was freeing. Now my life to back to constantly watching a clock – mostly for work stuff like meetings, when to take lunch (there are restrictions), not going into OT, and for calculating how much sleep I need to get. If I wake up later and clock in later then I am signing myself up to work later. It’s exhausting after the nice break of not watching it.
I think that was really the first time in my adult life I have not had to hawk eye a clock. Even on vacation I had to watch for flight times, rush hour, when a happy hour starts and ends, when an activity or ticket is. I never realized how much control that clock has over my life and stress level. Now that I do and know I am basically powerless to it, it doesn’t feel great.
Anyway gotta go because that is the end of the 10 minute break and 1.68 hours until my 30 minute lunch. Alarms and clock are setting my p(e)ace and I am not sure I am okay with it…
I keep hearing people saying our ‘new normal.’ Whether we have to get uesd to it, build it, or accept it. I wonder if it’s going to be good, bad, or just different.
It could be good. Maybe we will get to keep a little of some of the good that came out of quarantine. I would like to have less stress, more sleep, and to work on a bit of my own schedule. I have loved having weekend time with my dude to hang out and have fun not on a clock of my having to go to work EVERY weekend. I would like to continue to see families out and about spending more time on bike rides, walks, and playing sports together. I would like some of the kindness I have seen spread through the world continue. I want mindfulness of everyday heros to continue and revelry for celebrities to remain lower. Respect for essential employees like janitors, grocers, farm workers, and those of the like to remain high and remember how heavily everyone relied on them.
I could be bad. We could be trying to create this new normal too soon and have another wave of pandemic. We could be putting people at risk. The constant mask wearing makes me feel as though I am suffocating everywhere I go – claustrophobic at the least. I miss going to movies and I don’t think theaters will open any time soon. I miss my family and I miss traveling. I worry that fear will take a new form in this new normal and possibly be more accepted.
It could just be different. Will we ever get back to what was ‘normal?’ Do we want too? I am hoping it’s combination of good and just different. What do you think? What do you hope for?
Work has been more then stressful lately. Between major projects and my usual work I have absolutely zero free time – working most days – long days. I know I am not alone here but working with this much to do under such a short timeline on something so important is soooo stressful. That stress is starting to physically manifest in my body. My shoulder muscles feel like a rubber band that is about snap, my stomach is all in knots, my digestive system is a freaking mess, and I have a racing heart most of the time (especially when I lay down at night).
My recent vacation really helped but now that I am back in the thick of it all of those symptoms are back. I have to tell my heart to slow down when I lay down – I mean really think about it to get it to slow down.
I forgot to mention that I have put on weight due to stress eating. It’s a real thing! Dear lord is it a real thing.
I know my mind is manifesting these symptoms and they aren’t a sign I am phsyically ill, but that doesn’t make them any less real. Reminds me of one of my favorite HP quotes.
Do you have physical symptoms of stress? If so, what are they and how do you cope?
…might be one of those things that no one with anxiety really talks about.
Last night my alarm went off at 3:00 am for some stupid reason and it set off the alarm in my head. My anxiety focused in on one thing at work. One thing that I will likely suffer a lecture for but my anxiety convinced me I was FOR SURE getting fired. Once you logic that out and feel better in your head the physical symptoms are not really easy to get rid of. Fast heart beat, hot and sweaty, pit in your stomach – the worst. AND you are worried you are going to wake your partner up and they will 1) see just how crazy you are 2) that you will wake up the person you care about at 3:00 am for anxiety your brain made up. The second worst part is being emotionally and mentally tanked the next day.
Lots of stuff happening at work – lots of stuff I am in charge of. What if it goes wrong or south and I fail? Or can’t fill my former bosses shoes? All that has culminated into a few days of awful stress. That’s not to say it is anxiety all day everyday the past week. I have had some really great moments with friends and my dude. Moments that remind me there is more to my life then work. I am kind of living for those moments this week. I look forward to my San Francisco trip in two weeks. It will be nice to have a break.
HAHAHAHA the show I am watching right now is talking about anxiety and how it’s okay to get help. It’s true – therapy rocks!
Women face a lot of pressure from
family and friends in all stages of life sadly. I was always told to get
married before you’re an old maid, or have kids before you are too old, and
well you should quit your job and stay home with your baby. I didn’t do what
was expected but I did what was best for me and my family.
I didn’t quit my job even though
many thought I would after my baby was born. I went back to work and plan on
working my 30 years until retirement. Friends and fellow mom’s kept telling me that
I might change my mind once I’m home with baby or when I have to send the baby
to daycare. They kept telling me “how could you allow a stranger to raise your
child?” I would always pause and think about this and even started to doubt
myself four months after my baby was born. I thought was I not a good mom
because I didn’t want to stay at home with my child 24/7?
After getting back into a healthy
workout routine, I looked around one day and said no, I KNOW I’m doing the
right thing by being a working mom. So many stay at home moms (SAHMs) keep
telling me I don’t know what it is like to be a full-time mom and it’s harder
than having a job. I just let them vent and I moved about my life. I asked one
SAHM mom once well, what is your plan once the kids are in school? Will you go
back to work? She replied no, why would I do that?
Being a mom has made me
re-evaluate my priorities in life. I
decided the top things in my life are my marriage (spouse, myself and our
health), my kid(s), my family and friends, and lastly my job (in order to have
the means to live the lifestyle we want and to travel the world).
I’m not just a mom but I am so much more, I am a wife, a daughter, a friend, an individual, an athlete, a pet mom, a cook, etc. I didn’t let starting a family define who I am and that being ONLY a mom. I don’t like that the mom community forces you to choose a side of being a SAHM or a working-mom. Why can’t we all just be called a MOM, plus so many other things? It could be written Mom+
I know my child will be stronger and well-rounded because they have two working parents. Two parents that will be able to provide for them and show them the world. If that makes us BOTH selfish parents then I guess we are and that is okay with us. Why you ask? Because we decided our OWN path.
In today’s world I don’t see the need to RUSH everything. I don’t understand why people RUSH to get engaged and are in a RUSH to have kids and a RUSH to buy a house and etc. Why not slow down and enjoy life and do it YOUR WAY and SET YOUR OWN P(E)ACE. Make your own timeline and own path and NEVER apologize for it or let alone have people tell you to settle, don’t ever SETTLE.
This is the last post I have from Charlotte, but she may agree to write more for us if you show here some love in the comments section!
Set My Own P(e)ace 