…no matter hard you try not to be.

This is a realization I have come to recently. No matter how hard you try, you will cause someone along the way pain. Pain that will follow them. You might not even realize your doing it. If you’re a person I have caused trauma to, just know I’m sorry. Truly. If you’re a person whose cause me trauma, it’s okay. I know you didn’t aim to hurt. The only thing I can control is how I react to my own trauma and how I deal with it. I’m on a plane right now, and I’m not entirely sure what put me on this thought path, but here we are. While we all cause trauma, we all do good too. I figure as long as I do more good then harm I’m doing okay. So go out and try to do good and spread kindness. It’s all we can do.

…but pretty close.

This bout of anxiety stems from my last post. I am always apologizing to people at work. Always. I am a professional apologizer. I just have hit a point in my week where I can’t take anymore criticism, people cutting me off mid sentence or being the target of everyone and anyone’s frustrations and anger. I can’t control everything and I have so many balls in the air right now that sometimes I drop them or mix up facts. I just do – I am sorry I am a person. Maybe going home for a couple of days will do me some good. Having a mini Thanksgiving made by my Dad, seeing my nephew and everyone else. Maybe it will help. I am working from home today in order to not let anyone see this bout with anxiety. I can feel the anxiety buzzing in my skin. It’s just not a good day for me to be in the office and around anyone. I am still working but I am making it work for me today as well. Sometimes you need to look out for you.

…with me all the time and apologizing for things that aren’t really my fault, but I am not.

I manage volunteers at a nonprofit which means I am constantly apologizing to EVERYONE for things that aren’t my fault. I apologize to volunteers, to visitors, to staff and to random people all day long. Most days I don’t really mind and it’s something I am used to. Other days I just can’t apologize for things out of my control anymore. I am NOT sorry I can’t predict the rain and that todays rain didn’t follow the typical pattern of San Diego rain. I wasn’t even in my office and someone was in my face, pissed off, looking for an apology for something that is out of my control. I just can’t – can’t. I work at a nonprofit and make shit money to be treated like poop by just about everyone. I can’t be your scapegoat today – try again tomorrow. I can’t apologize for the weather which is not in my control weirdly. I just wont. Look to someone else to vent your rage at today – if rain is your biggest issue it’s a pretty good day. I can’t apologize to one more person for something I didn’t do today and today has only just started. I half joke but mostly serious that I am professional apologizer – and I am. You think I’d be used to being the person that everyone is constantly angry at, well I am not. Maybe that is why I haven’t had a decent nights sleep in a week. I have had anxious sleep because I am constantly worried about who is mad at me today. I have a had quite a few folks in my life take advantage of that too. Maybe they just liked my worry and my constant apologies (assuming everything is my fault). Maybe it made them feel powerful or important, I don’t know. I do hope my torment was worth it for them though. I have since dismissed these people from my life. But in my work life I will just keep apologizing for everything I guess so I can pay bills and eat. But I can just barely do those things on my salary. I went into nonprofits to make the world a little better, but do I? Really – I don’t think I do. I guess I make the lives of those I constantly apologize to a bit better – but do they deserve it? Are their tiny feelings of power worth my emotional destruction? Just not sure anymore.

…aka the best day of the year!

Happy Halloween everyone. I love Halloween. It’s just so fun and awesome. If you think you are too cool for Halloween this blog isn’t for you. If you just don’t like Halloween, I say you do you. But for all my fellow ghosts ghouls and anyone who is more witch then princess – I see you.

…after a fun but too fast adventure.

I really need to start making my trips longer. The long travel within a couple of days is taxing and I’m not as young as I used to be. I’m about 1.5 hours into this 7.5 hour total trip on two planes. It’s just a lot. At least I get my time back. Excited to snuggle my dog. We did universal Florida and we crammed a ton in. Hogwarts, Jurassic Park, diagon alley, knockturn alley and to top it all off we did Disney Springs on our last night. I wanted stuffed Binx but it was too big for my carry on lol. I like to send people postcards and after this trip I’ve decided I must be old fashioned because they were hard to find. Universal had a pack that was generic and boring but that was the only option. In two parks?! There was also no postcards at Disney Springs. I had to buy them at the airport. Oh well. Anywho. That’s my update from the plane.

….right now.

Between long COVID, holidays, work ramping up with Fall volunteer events and my personal life – I feel like I just need an overall break. Holy crap. I have hit my limit. I am taking it day by day and surviving day by day. Task by task. It’s the only way right now. It just is. Does anyone have a recommendation for a good supplement to help my energy in the afternoon? I am WIPED by 3:00 pm (screw you long COVID) and am taking suggestions. My job can be very physical and I need help. Let me know!

…over and over again.

Today’s lesson to relearn is not to trust everyone – especially at work. A coworker asked about one of my volunteers because he was considering them for another volunteer role. Said she is awesome but usually late, which wont work in this particular role. Just got an email in which what I said (only to this coworker) was quoted back to me by the volunteer. Come on man. In future I know now not to offer advice or opinions. I really like this volunteer that was just a statement of fact and is now viewed as an insult. WTF was this person thinking repeating verbatim what I said as advice. Is it intentional sabotage or just an inability to think it through? Does he hate me that much? What did I do? Now I have a volunteer I like upset with me because this coworker wants to make me look bad? I don’t know but I really thought High School was over….guess I was wrong and all of adult life must be High School. So don’t tell high schoolers it will get better because apparently it doesn’t and people are still playing mean girl games. Maybe it was unintentional and this coworker just wasn’t thinking but damn dude – lesson learned again. Always be on guard and keep my mouth shut. Let people learn for themselves.

…rather then fatigued and achy.

I just want to feel normal for at least 51% of the day again. That would be spectacular. Please. Went to urgent care yesterday due to a lightning pain in my ear/back of skull. Not an an ear infection so I got a shrug and a good luck with that. AWESOME. Still happening today so I am taking 4 ibuprofen every 3.5 hours. I have to keep working because if I called out sick when I felt sick since I had COVID I wouldn’t have a job right now. And I need a job to you know pay rent and eat. Getting harder to fake it though. I feel like I rest all weekend to slowly drain and die out over the week. By Friday I am a big pile of mess. I just want to feel okay for awhile. This is the longest stretch of long covid symptoms I have had (comes and goes in waves) and I just want to be functional and fake functional. Oh well. Time to power through another minute, then hour then day. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I really need to be better by Friday because I am going on a trip come hell or high water. I fake it through work I can convince myself I am fine for something fun.