…my back muscles completely seized up yesterday.

I had an achey back when I went to bed on Saturday night. Normal with the long COVID. I woke up Sunday morning mostly unable to move. My lower half was fine but had to move my upper half as one unit and very slowly. My whole upper back/neck area had completely seized. It felt (feels) like a metal rod had been shoved down my spine and along scapula’s. 3 IB Profen didn’t put a dent in it. Didn’t even take the edge off. It’s a little better today but still hurts quite a bit. Did get some of my mobility back. This has happened to me before. It’s usually stress an constant tightening of my muscles. Been awhile since it’s been this bad – like over a decade. Or maybe I am just old now and need to accept that fate hahahaha Either way I am going to sit under a hot shower for a minute then lay on my heating pad all night. Later!

…yep that checks out.

I saw an article today about the link between anxiety and long COVID and how having anxiety increases your chances of getting long COVID. Well at least that makes sense – in my case anyway. I suppose it’s better then them just shrugging and saying who knows. Add that to the list of problems with having anxiety. I put on the many articles about it below for you to read if you like. I ate a salad (one I have had before and know I enjoy) and it tasted like sour dirt. Seriously I could name the taste to a T. Have I eaten dirt before? Not on purpose but I would swear to you that is exactly what it tasted like. The psychological game of Russian roulette on what is going to taste okay and what will be awful (it changes all the time) is starting to get to me. I think my long COVID is kind of mild so I can’t imagine those that have it worse. It messes with your head man. I am telling you. I am absolutely spent by 3:00 pm. Exhausted, can’t think and feel mostly sick – although the sick symptoms change. Yesterday it was naseau and headache – the day before that muscle aches and fatigue. I really hope it ends soon. If I get COVID again will wipe away the long COVID. I will make that bargain if someone can prove it’s the case. This shit is horrible. For anyone who has been suffering with a chronic illness for most of their lives – I have no idea how you do it and deserve an award.

https://www.nbcnews.com/health/health-news/stress-anxiety-depression-may-increase-long-covid-risk-study-rcna46449

…and stay there.

It is a line from Sex and the City that has always just kind of stuck with me. It never really meant much to me until I met the guy that got under my skin and has stayed there. Do you think there is a reason why you just can’t let go of some people (like Carrie and Big)? Carrie and Big are never who I wanted to model my love life after but it seems to be happening that way (where is my Aiden eh?). Some people you just can’t seem to let go of and are always in your orbit…because you both make sure you are in each others orbit. BUT if you are doing that – what does that mean? There are others you let go of because it’s best for you and it’s not a huge problem. They just leave your life and you leave theirs. But the person you can’t seem to do that with….does that mean you’re meant to be with them? Does it mean you just have issue letting go? Is it codependency? I really don’t know and figuring it out is hard and confusing. If everyone in your life is telling you it’s not a good thing for you does that mean they are right? Probably. I just don’t know.

…completely off from COVID.

The only things that I seem to want to eat or can stomach eating more then three bites are a hot dog with nacho cheese and a quesadilla. I know it sounds like bullshit but it’s not. I have no idea why. Also, it changes all the time. I got a chicken sandwich I love and I couldn’t even unwrap it without being totally put off my appetite. I’ll be starving, get something I’m sure I want, and two bites in my appetite is completely gone. Not even just gone, but if I eat it I’ll be sick. I will go days on minimum calories then eat everything one day and be sick (digestively) for 3 days after. I’ve tried healthy only meals and same outcome. I don’t get it. I know there are a slot of people with a lot worse long symptoms so I shouldn’t complain. It’s just not very fun. I hope it goes away soon. I really like food.

…the stupidest thing I have ever heard.

Halle Bailey will make a wonderful Ariel – her voice is amazing! She is beautiful in the teaser trailer and it looks great. Imagine what it means to have a black Ariel if you are a little girl of color. It’s probably awesome to see someone who looks like you. And who is it hurting? Why are you so upset people? Oh yeah – systemic racism…that I am sure you say doesn’t exist as you preach how crazy this whole situation is. Get a life! I will be first in line or on streaming to see Halle Bailey rock this role. Go get ’em lady!

…is a constant.

Even things you thought would never change wind up changing. This is my biggest life lesson to date. For example, when I was young I never thought my parents would get divorced and here we are. I always thought I would spend all big holidays with my family but I can’t remember the last Thanksgiving I spent with them. My mom just moved to a different city which is kind of weird. 3 years ago I really thought my dude and I were endgame but here I am on dates again. Things I was so sure of shift. That is just life I suppose – it was just an weird thing I was thinking about earlier. I suppose life would be pretty boring if everything stayed stagnant and nothing ever changed. It is just hard sometimes. Especially when those changes seem to be leaving you behind. Everyone is moving around you and seems to have forgotten you are back there somewhere – in their past. I wonder who I haven’t met yet that is a part of my future? Eventually, there will be someone in my life who doesn’t seem to be looking at me their rear view mirror or through cursory side glances. I hope so anyway. Until then I will just have to look after and love myself.