…and sleep deprived to boot.

Big fight, nasty things were said (to me). Who is this person? Where the hell is my person? Where did that sweet, kind, thoughtful person go? I miss that person, not a fan of this person in their place. The person that said I was the worst. Someone who claims to love me said I am the worst. That was so much sharper and more hurtful then the cursing and selfishness. ‘You are the worst.’ Those words have been haunting me all day. I’ve had some nasty things said to me and about me, but this is somehow worse.

I don’t know what to do. I have been having a lot of negative feelings about this person my place in their life lately and I can’t even talk to them about it because it doesn’t matter to them. I am a person. I am taking back my personhood. I matter to me and anyone I don’t matter to doesn’t need to be in my life. I guess I do know what to do.

Sex and Vanity by Kevin Kwan.

Really enjoyed this one. It was a fun listen with interesting characters. Definitely the most enjoyable narrator so far. It was a fun trip to take with Lucy on the path of what she thinks she should do and what she wants to do. Who hasn’t wanted to do something they thought they would be judged for but chose not to and avoided the judgement? What have we missed out on or delayed happiness for? It was interesting to see her perspective and eventually other misunderstood characters as well. The acceptance she finds not only with other people but herself is refreshing. It was a windy road to get there but she got there. I hope everyone is so lucky.

…Women, is it?

I haven’t written in awhile because the happenings in the world, but particularly Texas, make no feasible sense to me. Where the hell is the supreme court? Why is this being permitted to happen? Why does the world care so little for women lately? They are worried about potential life, splitting cells, rather then life that is in existence. Not even just that woman’s, but the child those splitting cells become. Once it’s a child it’s the mothers problem and she better figure it out without any help? For a child she knew she couldn’t care for or even asked risked having in some cases. When they straight up say “I can’t do this” and you ignore their plea for splitting cells rights? What about her rights? Because she exists and has a uterus, she doesn’t count. A rapist has a shorter prison term then a woman seeking a medical procedure. Does the rapist pay child support? I doubt it. Does the rapist pay reparations for abuse…definitely not. It’s bull shit – utter and complete bullshit. This isn’t a sides thing, this is a human thing. How about all men receive a vasectomy that can be reversed when they have proven their capable of providing and can full understand consent? Nope, because a penis shouldn’t be controlled – only a uterus. Oh and controlled by the penis’. MMMMMMM makes sense for sure (can you hear the sarcasm?). I am so glad I didn’t get that job in Gilead….oh whoops I mean Texas. Please for the love of God, let Texas secede and leave this country. Can we force them into secession?

If you say my body my choice about masks you have no room to talk since you stole the slogan from the pro choice movement. Hop on home stumpy.

Scary, wrong, terrifying stuff.

…go, go, go away please.

I have had vertigo for over a week and I am freakin’ sick of it. In order to see a doctor for it I need a referral. So I have to go to a GP in order to go to an ENT to fix this. The ENT doesn’t have anything for two weeks so by the time I get a referral, who knows when the next appointment will be. Dramamine helps take the edge of it. Sometimes it’s not so bad, other times everything is spinning or I am. It’s like being drunk without any of the fun parts. Anyone have any other suggestions?

…with my body I think.

I sit here on a train going to work again on too little rest. Working 6-7 long days per week might be the issue. Feeling like I’m constantly fighting to keep this love in my life might be the issue. It’s probably a combination mixed with way too little sleep. How much sacrifice is too much? When do you tell the one person you want to see that you’re drowning and jump in to help that you’re drowning because they don’t see it. I don’t want to add to their stuff. Maybe they feel the same and want me to jump in when it’s all I can do not to put my burden on them and add to theirs. I don’t know. What I do know is it’s all adding up and taking a physical toll that I’m especially feeling today and honestly have been feeling for awhile. Either that or I have some underlying physical ailment that’s starting to show symptoms. Anywho. Thanks for reading my over tired rantings. Off to work. Again.

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