…and it doesn’t feel okay.

People have been posting a lot of inspirational quotes about it being okay to not be okay. I admire that and I believe it but it’s really hard not to feel okay. I know people offering encouragement comes from a good place and I appreciate it but sometimes you just have to feel what’s happening to you or in your world that isn’t okay.

I always said I wouldn’t let work break me…I was wrong. They did it (at least temporarily). I genuinely feel broken. Almost like I could hear something in my crack and fall. I know something is bad that when it happens I don’t have an immediate reaction. My brain is trying to protect me I think. Then it all falls on me and today was a rough one. I know many of you are in the same boat with this pandemic. I know it was a risk I took when entering a career that needs an at least okay economy. It might not be so much that I was betrayedbut how. I can live with shady shit as long as there is some piece of respect (which I have more then earned at thsi job). Has this pandemic taken the common decency from people who happen to be doing okay? I can tell you as one who has been crushed under a boot heel that it would be easier to take if it as upfront and honest – I deserve at least that – yanno being a human being who sacrificed years of weekends and countless hours of work I wasn’t paid for. I learned an important lesson today – don’t look out for the place you work because they aren’t looking out for you.

For all those still employed and okay can you check on anyone who seems like they aren’t? Maybe bring a bottle of wine, or a piece of cake, or a hug or something.

…yay or nay?

I would really like a camper van. My puppy, dude and I could beach camp and have a great time! It seems like the best way to camp (easiest) with some comforts (like a bed) but not quite the size and inconvenience (and cost) of a camper.

The rub is I don’t know anything about camper vans. Does anyone out there? Mostly I need to know the rough cost so I can save. What do I need what don’t I need etc. I feel like it would allow me to get out more and explore and away from reruns on TV in this pandemic world. Social distance safely but still have adventures. I need an adventure.

This would be a good start!

https://shop.mashable.com/sales/carsule-pop-up-cabin-for-your-car-3

…’love note.’

Today my dude and I celebrate what we have dubbed out ‘half anniversary.’ It is a half because we don’t know which one to count from. We originally started dating the week after Thanksgiving – then we broke up in late May. On July 6, I came home to discover a bag of the things I had at his house (I had written them off by this point) and note. I thought oh great a see ya note a full month late. Turns out it was his version of a love letter. I will keep the contents of this letter just for me but it was fitting for him. It was really confusing though since it came with the return of my stuff. I pondered what it meant – I asked others what they though it meant – and I finally just decided to message him and thank for my stuff and call it a day (I had deleted his phone number but knew his insta handle so I messaged that). That turned into a conversation which turned into drinks at the cellar, that turned into dessert at Nicks and that turned into…never mind.

Was everything that was broken magically fixed with the decision to give it another try? Of course not. Have we paid more attention to those things – yes and they have been easier to spot. The first month in trying to figure that out was a little rough but worth it. So we are celebrating today as a ‘half anniversary.’ I am very happy to be celebrating with him and I am happy we made the choice to come back together and move forward. I have always wanted a kind of love where you don’t (and can’t) give up on each other. We tried to – didn’t stick :p

So happy ‘half anniversary’ to my dude. Sorry we can’t go back to the cellar (it’s closed due to corona virus) but I am sure we will find something cool to do to mark the occasion.

…and how it brings love and lessons.

I wear my grandmothers wedding ring often. She as tiny so it’s a pinky ring on me (none of us got those petite genes – we all got the German side on body type). I always joke the most expensive thing I own is my Master’s Degree and it’s true but the wedding ring is the most valuable thing I own – in my eyes. Well it’s tied with a few other things – a little stuffed animal black cat my brother gave me, the heart shaped pillow my mom gave me, my Pilgrim pen my dude gave me.

This was her first wedding ring – turns out she was allergic to yellow gold and had to get a new one – the one she married my grandpa with originally. It provides me love in a family way, reminds me that love in a relationship should shoot for lifetime, and the knowledge that those who aren’t with us anymore aren’t really gone. My grandparents got married after four months of knowing eachother – during WWII (maybe shortly after I actually don’t know). It might seemed rushed today but not then and it would be a love that lasted a lifetime. It wasn’t all day but it was everyday until death did they part. Love has rushed moments of passion and slow moments of life – there needs to be both to be lasting. It’s what I shoot for and should I ever be married it will be on my pinky finger (old and borrowed).