…and tried to ignore.

You were never really all in. I jumped and stayed all in for a long time. Then I slowly started realizing as years went by that would never be all in. That’s is when I started pulling out – and you still didn’t go all in. I pulled farther and farther until I was gone. Why would I stay in a relationship where I am all in and you are halfway out the door. I should have listened to that little voice inside me sooner. The voice saying he is never going to be all in for you. Do you really want someone who only kind of wants you? Because it’s convenient? Who sticks around because you put so much into it that he doesn’t feel the need to. I knew the answer was no, but I loved him so I tried anyway. I tried really hard for a long time. One day I woke up and just couldn’t anymore. I couldn’t be the only person in this relationship giving it my all and willing to take all the risks. That is why I think it started unraveling when I started living more ME again instead of for US. I did what you would have done – what was best for me. You didn’t like that one bit and it was the beginning of the end. Did you expect me to do all the work in the relationship forever? Did you expect me to stick around to do that forever while you waffled and wavered on if you wanted me or not? On if I was worth it or not? Let me tell you – I AM. I’d rather be alone then be the runner up to you. I am no consultation prize or something you deal with so you have regular sex. I deserve as much effort as a I put in. It’s a lesson I learn over and over again. Hopefully it sticks this time.

…is now it not being terrible.

The date doesn’t even need to be good for it to be a success anymore, it just has to be not terrible. How sad is that? When discussing dating with the women in my life that is the bar. We are pretty excited if the date isn’t a disaster. Good lord. Does someone wanna get married so I don’t have to date again? It sounds scary and I am freaked out a bit. I am an outgoing person too. Here’s hoping for better then not horrible.

…with an Ex?

TV has been exploring this topic for awhile. How I Met Your Mother (Ted, Robin, Barney), Sex and City (Carrie/Big – Steve/Miranda). The common thread here seems to be that even trying their hardest all these character are never really friends. There is an underlying tension and feeling. So can you truly be friends with an ex? I have never really done it before. I am trying to now, but it’s really fresh and there are definitely still under lying feelings (on my end anyway – can’t speak for him). I still have this strong urge to be there for him though. It’s a weird battle of wills. Be there for someone you care about without risking your heart, head and peace (ok well peace ish). Is it possible? Is it wise? What do you all think? It’s risky. I have never been able to do it successfully before. I don’t know. I just don’t know.

…and it’s world of suck.

I got anxiety while I was falling asleep about work stuff mostly (also have my first first date in 3.5 years tomorrow -not entirely sure I am ready). Serious couldn’t breathe anxiety. Talked myself off that ledge but I am having residual effects of it today. I woke up early, I feel a slight vibration under my skin, brain is a little scattered and foggy, heart racing from time to time – you know the usual bullshit. It’s awesome (can you feel the sarcasm coming at your through your screen). Shout out to anyone else out there feeling it? When I say I have cocktail for my anxiety is it so numb my nervous system a bit – not my brain thoughts or emotions. I literally want to the physical response. Anyone else feel that?

Numb Little Bug

I don’t feel a single thing
Have the pills done too much
Haven’t caught up with my friends in weeks
And now we’re outta touch
I’ve been driving in L.A.
And the world it feels too big
Like a floating ball that’s bound to break
Snap my psyche like a twig

And I just wanna see if you feel the same as me

Do you ever get a little bit tired of life
Like you’re not really happy but you don’t wanna die
Like you’re hanging by a thread but you gotta survive
‘Cause you gotta survive
Like your body’s in the room but you’re not really there
Like you have empathy inside but you don’t really care
Like you’re fresh outta love but it’s been in the air
Am I past repair

A little bit tired of tryin’ to care when I don’t
A little bit tired of quick repairs to cope
A little bit tired of sinkin’
There’s water in my boat
I’m barely breathin’
Tryna stay afloat
So I got these quick repairs to cope
Guess I’m just broken and broke

The prescriptions on its way
With a name I can’t pronounce
And the dose I gotta take
Boy, I wish that I could count

‘Cause I just wanna see if this could make me happy

Do you ever get a little bit tired of life
Like you’re not really happy but you don’t wanna die
Like you’re hanging by a thread but you gotta survive
‘Cause you gotta survive
Like your body’s in the room but you’re not really there
Like you have empathy inside but you don’t really care
Like you’re fresh outta love but it’s been in the air
Am I past repair

A little bit tired of tryin’ to care when I don’t
A little bit tired of quick repairs to cope
A little bit tired of sinking
There’s water in my boat
I’m barely breathin’
Tryna stay afloat
So I got these quick repairs to cope

Do you ever get a little bit tired of life
Like you’re not really happy but you don’t wanna die
Like a numb little bug that’s gotta survive
That’s gotta survive

Source: LyricFind

Songwriters: Andrew DeCaro / Emily Beihold / Nick Lopez

…that My mind doesn’t wander to him.

I have been having to remind myself lately that soon I won’t think of him daily. Soon when I see something funny my first instinct won’t be to send it to him. That day will come, I promise myself. Hopefully soon. But until it does, I try to remind myself that means it was a relationship worth having. Someone I am glad was in my life for the time he was. No regrets. Just waiting for the memories and connection to fade feels like an eternity.