My Black Cat…

…was my soul kitty.

In celebration of National Black Cat Day, I am here to celebrate my little black cat named Crystal. She was in my life for 21 years and is now my little angel. She was the greatest cat. She was small in stature at 7 lbs but had so much fight. She ran the house and was boss hog of all animals who lived there, including my 80 lb dogs. She was fast, smart, and tough. My mom always called her a ‘scrapper.’

Crystal really did have 9 lives. We adopted her from the humane society. I recall they weren’t going to let us take her that day because it as near Halloween. They don’t adopt all black or white cats around Halloween. I was 5 and didn’t understand and cried so they let me take her home that day since I obviously did not have nefarious intentions (I can’t believe anyone would). She once came home with a whole in her stomach – healed no problem. She used to run int he house before hte door would shut and lost that game one day and cut her tail open. She came home with giardia from the shelter. She lived through it all and lead a great life. We were connected in a deep way and I carry her with me always.

Some people think black cats are bad luck (stupid), but my little black cat was the best luck and always meant to be in my family. So happy National Black Cat Day Crystal! I miss you everyday!

Stress Dreams…

…are wearing me out!

There are a lot of rough parts with having anxiety, but stress dreams are one of the worst in my opinion. Maybe I should call it stress sleep since I can’t always remember the dreams. I do know that it was a night full of anxiety because of how I wake up – exhausted. Not normal, waking up and kinda sleepy. I mean exhausted mentally. Foggy since you hadn’t really rested in your sleep. It makes me foggy and short tempered all the next day (I try my best not to be but I definitely have a shorter fuse). Last night was a bad one and today was hard because of it. These are almost always brought on by work. I have always had them periodically with whatever job I am at, but never as bad as my current job. I may just go to sleep before 9:00 pm tonight hahahaha

My Happy Place Is…

…anywhere there is Halloween decor.

It sounds silly, but I am completely serious. I got to decorate for our Halloween event at work and it took me from a terrible mood to a great one. It helped me let go of the anxious thoughts running around in my brain. Walking around Michael’s with all of the Fall and Halloween decor is just bliss. I pick out all the things I would buy if I could and get a few small things that make me smile and I can afford. Seeing my neighbors decorations when I am out walking my dog is absolutely great. There is a whole grass part of the complex that is now dedicated to Halloween. The dollar store has pretty good affordable decorations. The value section of Target has one of my favorite new decorations this year, my bird wall. It’s black crows you bend and tape to look like they are flying. So cool! It all makes me incredibly happy. I imagine it’s how a lot of people feel about holiday displays or how I hear people describe visiting Disneyland. My twisted little heart loves Halloween.

I Donated Blood Today and It Sounds Selfless…

…but I did it for a $5 amazon gift card.

What can I say? I’m poor. I do donate blood fairly often but today I did not do it for the greater good of humanity (but is a nice added bonus), I did it for the $5 amazon gift card they advertised as an incentive to donate. You next thought is likey, ‘well $5 isn’t much’ and you’re right. BUT when you add to your other side hustles, it’s the difference between being able to buy someone a Christmas gift or not. Again, sounds noble but it’s not. I truly enjoy giving people gifts and would feel terrible if I couldn’t buy someone a little gift for Christmas to show my love for them. So, I will find a way – even if it means being a pint of blood shorter. If it saves lives in the process – even better!

That being said, I am feeling a little tired so I am gonna grab a snack!

Lyrics to Live By…

…musical edition! I think it’s what the world needs right now.

Raise You Up/Just Be from Kinky Boots

Ooh ooh Once I was afraid, but then you came along
Put your faith in me and I was challenged to be strong
When I lost my way, you were there to see me through
Now let Lola lend some love and do the same for you! Feed your fire, to take you higher
We’ll light you up like a live wire
Celebrate you, to elevate you,
When you struggle to step, we’ll take a helping hand If you hit the dust
Let me raise you up
When your bubble busts
Let me raise you up
If your glitter rusts
Let me raise you up
(And up)
Raise you up
Raise you up
Raise you up Never put much heart in anything before
You strut into my life and help me go for something more
Now I stand up for myself
Now I stand out from the crowd
Now I’m standing on high heels, if dad could see me now!Feed your fire, to take you higher
We’ll light you up like a live wire
Celebrate you, to elevate you
When you struggle to step, we’ll take a helping hand If you hit the dust
Let me raise you up
When your bubble busts
Let me raise you up
If your glitter rusts
Let me raise you up
(And up)
Raise you up
Raise you up
Raise you upI knew you had it in you
I knew what you could tell
You believed in me
Let me be right for you
Your stumbling days are done
Now we’re walking on air
I was a loose shoe but you need two to make a pair
Wait wait wait wait hold it right there buster
Are you saying you’d like to take me out?
Yes
Are you saying you are Nikola are through?
Yes
Are you saying you are actually available?
Yes
And you still like girls?
Yes!
Oh carry on! Feed your fire, to take you higher
We’ll light you up like a live wire
Celebrate you, to elevate you
When you struggle to step, we’ll take a helping hand. Look out below
Here comes Don
And Don has brought some friends along
When you start things out of certainty
Then the ones you love
Are gonna set you free yeah!
Woo! Feed your fire, to take you higher
We’ll light you up like a live wire
Celebrate you, to elevate you,
When you struggle to step, we’ll take a helping hand If you hit the dust
Let me raise you up
When your bubble busts
Let me raise you up
If your glitter rusts
Let me raise you up (and up)
We’re the same
Charlie Boy
You and meJust be
Who you wanna be
Never let ’em tell you who you ought to be
Just be
With dignity
Celebrate yourself triumphantly
You’ll see
You’ll see
Just be
Just be Ladies, gentlemen
And those who have yet to make up their minds
As people all over the world clamor for kinky boots
It’s time for us to get back to work, but before we go
We would like to leave you with the Price and Simon secret to success
Alright, now we’ve all heard of the twelve step program, have we not?
Yes, but what you can do in twelve
I want you to know that we all can do in six now
And it goes like this One, pursue the truth (come one, come on)
Two, learn something new
Three, accept yourself and you’ll accept others too!
Four, let love shine
Five, let pride be your guide
Six, you change the world when you change your mind! Just be
Who you wanna be
Never let them tell you who you oughta be
Just be
With dignity
Celebrate your life triumphantlyYou’ll see (it’s beautiful)
You’ll see (it’s beautiful)
Just be (it’s beautiful)
Just be You’ll see (it’s beautiful)
You’ll see (it’s beautiful)
Just be (it’s beautiful)
Just be beautiful

Halloween Is Not a Time For…

…slut shaming.

I have heard so many times (and even said it a few times). Girls use Halloween to dress/be slutty. This is not cool. Slut shaming is never OK. Women, and people in general, should be able to wear what they want without slut shaming. This is especially true on Halloween – the night to play pretend and be something you can’t be on a daily basis – sometimes that thing is brave. Some of these costumes are pretty brave – if I was in better shape I would be rocking one. When I was younger, like 22, I DID! It was fun – wouldn’t change it. We all did. We had courage and the bodies for it. So why are so many now trying to shame these women for doing it now? People of all genders, identifiers, and all the rest of it – rock the costume you want the way you want. Do you and screw everyone else and their opinions.

Laci Green on Twitter: "disapprove of a woman in a "slutty" costume? instead of calling her names, try respecting women this halloween. http://t.co/btj9yv0WrY"

I Have Been Waxing Since…

…I was 12 years old.

I was an early bloomer all the way around and with that came upper lip hair. I was so embarrassed at 13 and still am today. I remember I tried waxing it before a school dance in the 8th grade. Usually my mom did it but she was asleep already. I knew I couldn’t go to this dance with a mustache! So, I heated it up thinking how hard could it be?! Well, I ended up burning my upper lip. Not only did it hurt but it was worse then the hair. I ran around school and the dance saying I had burned it on cocoa. I now get it professionally waxed (which I did today) because I still feel terrible about it. As much as I spread body positivity, and producing this lip hair is something my body has naturally done for a long time, I can’t get past feeling ugly with it. I don’t even want to calculate how much I have spent on removing it. *I know I could laser it but that makes me a bit nervous on my face. I tried laser hair removal on my bikini and they third degree burned my labia.

Then I thought this is why guys usually pay for dates. Women have to pay for hair removal, birth control, tampons, makeup, and plethora of other items men don’t have to purchase. So, I think they can pay for more dates.

Next thought, they used to tell me that waxing would ultimately leave me with less and finer hairs. They fucking lied. My hair always comes back just as thick and embarrassing. I am disappointed in this.

Third thought – it’s painful! Not killer, but definitely uncomfortable. I used to get brazillians and the cost just got too much. But, it really did hurt. Then it itched when it grew back. I still keep tidy but not bare and it’s fine.

I am unsure if there was an overall point to this post but those are my thoughts. What are your thoughts on waxing? Would love a mans perspective.

I Will Always Come Back…

…is something I say to my dog Marty before I leave the house.

Marty and I have a bit of separation anxiety from one another. Whenever I leave I talk to him to reassure him (and a little me). What I always end with is ‘I will always come back.’ When I come back and I tell him ‘see, I told you I will always come back for you.’ Some of you are reading this thinking I am loon and some of you know exactly what I am talking about and why I talk to my dog hahaha.

I started thinking about why I say that phrase and came up with a few ideas. I know he cant understand my words but definitely understands my tone. But beyond just Marty – why do I say that? Because it’s true…no matter who you are or what has gone down between us, please know that I will always come back if you need me. To some this sounds kind of sad, like I might be used. BUT – I think anyone who would invoke this would do it because they really needed a friend. I will be that friend no matter what. I can’t promise I will be very good at comforting you or say all the right things but I will be there. I will always come back and be there for you when you need me.

One a side note, I used to space these posts out like I was super cool blogger trying to build a following. As I have written for over a year, I have realized I really do write this thing more for me then anyone else so I write them as a I feel them. Might be 3 in a day then nothing for a week. Who knows. For anyone who is reading it, thanks. I hope you like it and it makes you feel like you have some company.

Full Cabinets…

…and it feels good.

I decided to dip into the savings a little and fill my cabinets with food. I have been shopping on the skinny meaning the only things I am eating that day or the following. I went to Trader Joes, Target, the Dollar Store, Michaels (cheap and good holiday candles), and an Imperfect Produce order. I now have three kinds of Joe Joe’s, pumpkin for Marty to eat, and stuff to make dinners. I feel better – less rushed. I can’t do it all the time, but right now it feel like a good choice. I never thought that full cabinets would make me feel so reassured. I suppose food is survival so it makes sense I feel more secure. The feeling in relation to groceries just surprised me.

Then I used the money I had leftover to get Marty a haircut and bath. He looks incredibly handsome and smells super good. It makes me feel good to know he’s clean and taken care of by me. Makes me happy.

I suppose my whole overall take away is maybe money can’t buy happiness but is can buy peace. It feels pretty darn good and makes me happy. So, turns out, a little money can buy happiness and a cabinet full of food! People who say it doesn’t have never wondered where their next meal was coming from or how they were gonna scrape together rent.

Emily In Paris…

…was a cute show but has brought a question into my mind. Would Emily be as successful if she wasn’t thin an attractive? A lot of her career successes seem to be because some guy on her campaigns (or chefs in restaraunts) think she is attractive so they listen to her or do her favors. BUT, what if she wasn’t thin and super model pretty? I think all body types are beautiful but we all know Hollywood and a lot of men don’t agree. So she was bigger or less pretty would she have gotten those favors that propel her career in the show? If we are being realistic – I am going to say no. This isn’t to say this fictional character didn’t have talent in her job, but a lot of her lucky breaks comes from being thin and pretty. It’s a dangerous message to send to young women and young people in general. A man needs to be attracted to you to get ahead in a marketing career. Or is it tool in her box and she has every right to use it? I can see both arguments, although as a real looking woman I want to side with my OG point.

On a positive turn they did have an episode that highlighted the make gaze and sexism. So at least they are trying?

I would really like to start seeing some folks on tv that look more like me. Still with great career and real man – not as a secondary ‘best friend’ character. The only show I have watched that accomplishes this is the Mindy Show which I loved (I realize I am not Indian but she had an actual woman’s body who might eat a fry every now and again).