Audible with Andrea…

…On the Way to the Wedding by Julia Quinn.

The Bridgerton series kick continues! I may have a break before Hyacinth’s book though. Sort of like it took me 3 weeks to watch the last few episodes of Schitt’s Creek. Not quite ready for it to be over. This book was trip into Gregory’s world. I believe this is my favorite of the series so far. There was more action and excitement which was nice. Like in the Viscount Who Loved Me it was about a love that grew with time familiarity. I can totally relate to Lucy. I wasn’t the prettiest girl (or woman now) in my friend group. I was often the ‘way in’ to my more attractive friends. I wasn’t ugly nor am I now, my friends are just really pretty. I loved the friendship between Lucy and Hermione. That was refreshing. I also loved that most of the characters first loves were more infatuations. They realized it wasn’t love based on anything other then first impressions with some lust mixed in. I also liked that one of the characters was gay and not afraid or ashamed to admit it (as much as a could for the time frame of the story anyway). The theme of Gregory not wanting to ask for help from his older siblings was relatable too. If he could do it on his own, he would always chose that path. But when push came to shove he wasn’t afraid to ask for help from his family, which they were very happy to give. I enjoyed Gregory as character a lot too. He is smart, funny and a little lost. He knew he was and he was mostly okay with finding his way. I have been loving the second epilogue in all the books too. I enjoy getting a glimpse into the characters futures. This was one I finished pretty quickly because I got sucked in (not true of all of them) which is my tell of a good book. Getting lost in their world for awhile is always a nice relief from the stresses of life.

Lyrics To Live By…

Victoria’s Secret

God, I wish somebody would’ve told me
When I was younger that all bodies aren’t the same
Photoshop, itty bitty models on magazine covers
Told me I was overweight

I stopped eating, what a bummer
Can’t have carbs in hot girl summer
If I could go back and tell myself
When I was younger, I’d say, psst

I know Victoria’s secret
And girl, you wouldn’t believe
She’s an old man who lives in Ohio
Making money off of girls like me
Cashing in on body issues
Selling skin and bones with big boobs
I know Victoria’s secret
She was made up by a dude (dude)
Victoria was made up by a dude (dude)
Victoria was made up by a dude

I wish somebody would’ve told me that thighs of thunder
Meant normal human thighs
The fucking pressure I was under
To lose my appetite
And fight the cellulite with hunger games like every night
If I could go back and tell myself
When I was younger, I’d say
“Hey, dummy”

I know Victoria’s secret
Girl, you wouldn’t believe
She’s an old man who lives in Ohio
Making money off of girls like me
Cashing in on body issues
Selling skin and bones with big boobs
I know Victoria’s secret
She was made up by a dude (dude)
Victoria was made up by a dude (dude)
Victoria was made up by a dude

I know Victoria’s secret
And girl, you wouldn’t believe
She’s an old man who lives in Ohio
Making money off of girls like me
Cashing in on body issues
Selling skin and bones with big boobs
I know Victoria’s secret
She was made up by a dude

I know Victoria’s secret
And girl, you wouldn’t believe
She’s an old man who lives in Ohio
Making money off of girls like me
Cashing in on body issues
Selling skin and bones with big boobs
I know Victoria’s secret
She was never made for me and you

Source: LyricFind

Songwriters: Dan Henig / Jacqueline Miskanic / Mark Nilan Jr.

Victoria’s Secret lyrics © Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd.

A Common Theme In My Anxiety Is…

…feeling I have failed those around me.

Even if I feel it’s a small failure I can’t help but dwell until my anxiety has convinced me I’m failing someone or everyone. I’m way more worried about failing others then myself. Because failing those I love is failing myself. And around we go in the anxiety spiral. If you know it then you know exactly what I’m talking about. If you don’t know then you are very fortunate and I envy you. Truly I envy you. When I really think about it it’s really self indulgent. I wind up convincing myself I’ve failed everyone and I go apologize and they end up comforting me. Which is inherently selfish really. I want them to tell me I haven’t failed them to reassure me. When it all stemmed from me failing them. So by this point I have failed them twice. Being my friend must be exhausting. I’m serious if you’re my friend I apologize for my crazy and thanks for loving me anyway. I love you all endlessly and I don’t mean to be a nutter. Bless you if you made it through this whole entry and aren’t lost and didn’t give up.

Am I Really Cut Out For…

…casual sex?

Warning: If you are related to me you may wanna skip this entry. My FWB and I have picked a day to meetup. We have talked about boundaries, what we like, what we don’t and laid out good ground rules. We seem fairly physically compatible (he likes to be the dominate aggressor and is adventurous – yes please. He’s incredibly honest which is what had me suggesting this FWB situation in the first place). It’s actually a really healthy arrangement…on paper. My head is going a little wacky though. My ex has made it crystal clear he has moved on from me in every sense of the phrase, but somehow it feels like a betrayal to him. I know it makes zero sense. It is clearly 100% over – I have every right to casual sex with an attractive man. Frankly, it’s exciting. But why is my anxiety running it’s ass wild in my head? Maybe I am afraid he wont think I am attractive? He clearly thinks I am – we have met in person and he wants to have sex with me so logic says that’s not it. Am I afraid I will get hurt? Maybe. I don’t want to catch the feels. But I am fresh out of feels so not an issue for now. I was on the fence until my neighbor (who I share a wall with) was having really loud sex last night and seemed to be really enjoying it and it totally turned me on. Couldn’t help it. So maybe a sex pallet cleanser is exactly what I need. A partner to explore without risk of emotional pain, but maintain a mutual respect.

Trying A New Gyno…

…and I am a little worried.

No doctors ever take me seriously when I tell them I have PCOS. They are just like yeah sure sure. Then run in and out as quickly as possible without hearing a word I say to them. I know I am a little over weight atm and as soon as they see that my credibility as a woman, person or PCOS having person is gone. Well your obviously just a fat pig and I can’t change that. It’s genuinely how it feels. I know I need to eat better and I am working on it. But I would also like to not grow a mustache I wax off constantly and have my weight distributed properly. I would like a method of birth control that doesn’t make me feel crazy. But most of all I want someone who will listen to me. But if experience has taught me anything, it will be another in and our ya ya ya ya live with it appointment. Not really looking forward to it.

Can a ‘Friends with Benefits’ Situation…

…really work?

In my mind it is like polyamory – on paper it makes sense. In practice – doesn’t always work. The dude I went on the okay date with and I are considering this option. We felt there was a really good friend level connection and have chatted a bit. I have found myself missing sex quite a bit. This guy is cute, healthy and incredibly honest so I feel I can trust him to be a pallet cleanser, no pressure way to get back in the game. It all sounds great – but what if I catch the feels? I wouldn’t put it past me. Tricky…very tricky. I can’t just go months and months without sex again. I went four years once until I found someone I wanted to try a relationship with and it sucked. I can’t do that again. So on paper seems like a good option. Has anyone out there ever had a FWB situation that was good for them? I wanna hear about it!

Feels like the final nail in the coffin of my last relationship. Maybe that is why I am reluctant. Although it’s pretty clear that’s totally over. So why hold back?

Audible with Andrea…

…When He Was Wicked by Julia Quinn

I ventured into Francesca’s world in this book. I have always been a bit curious about her and her story since I started the series. We don’t know much about her. She always seemed a little on the outskirts of the story. Overall I enjoyed spending time in her world. I was thinking the one thing I didn’t like was the premise you can change a man with just love, because you can’t (we all learn that the hard way). But Michael wasn’t really bad – just put on the facade of it to protect himself and I completely understand that. Of all the Bridgerton siblings, Francesca faces the most challenges I think. Heartbreak of a too soon death of a husband she loved and wrestling with the guilt that comes with moving on from that. Especially since she didn’t expect to find love again. It seemed relatable somehow. I am not really sure how – but it’s the best description I could come up with. As I get through this series and they way love is described, I can’t help but wonder if it really feels like that? The burning passionate feeling of not being able to live without the other person. If it is, I don’t think I have ever felt that – not sure I will or I am capable of it. I hope so. I also wonder if it’s a Victorian version of love that doesn’t exist today. Or just the stuff of fantasy. Who knows? I certainly don’t. I am halfway through Gregory’s story. I usually try to write these sooner so I don’t muddle the feeling and reaction to them but I just haven’t had the time.

New Period Rule…

…never skip allergy medication while on your period.

If you’re a woman you know why. You sneeze and feel the dreaded flood feeling. The feeling that makes your eyes go wide because you felt what just happened. I’ve also been hungry for days but never quite satisfied. Feeling more emotional then usual. All part of the monthly package that lasts weeks outta the month. It’s just sucky and unfair. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Men will never understand this process or what we go through and the hormone surge. I think this is a large contributor of us not understanding each other of the time. Us being the sexes. Just a thought.

The Over Tired Mind…

…and anxiety.

It’s a tough combination. You’re tired mentally and physically. You lay down and are excited to rest. That when the anxiety picks a topic and then kicks you into emotional turmoil, even in your exhaustion. Scenarios run through your mind until you’ve come up with every bad outcome. All you want it sleep. It’s about work. Usually is. About all the ways I fail. It would be so nice to have some positive attributes of myself mixed in for momentary relief. But that’s now how it works is it? Those thoughts telling you how bad you suck become the only thing ringing in your brain. Then you start counting the hours of how long you can sleep. The hours start slipping through your fingers, another casualty of anxiety. You know you’ll wake up just as exhausted (after you finally fall asleep). But you’ll slap on a smile (after lots of caffeine) and pretend it’s all okay. Put on that mask for another day so no one else knows how you spent another sleepless night worrying. Another night taken by anxiety. But you’ll hide it and make it through another day and wait for the next round with anxiety. You know it’s coming. You just hope it takes its time and gives you some rest. Some rest would be so nice and is needed.

Mourning the Loss…

…of the chocotaco.

It sounds silly but I’m kinda sad about the discontinuation of the chocotaco. I loved that thing when I was little. I ordered it from the ice cream man a lot. It’s a bummer it isn’t available anymore. Did I eat it as an adult? Not really. But the kids will never know the magic of the chocotaco. Childhood thing lost I guess. I might have had another if I’d known it was a limited edition. Maybe it’ll be back one day.