…that says please be sarcastic and nasty to me?

Seriously. Is it a vibe I give off or just the way my face looks? Am I giving off some kind of signal to speak to me like I am a piece of shit who doesn’t matter? Am I just stupid and deserve to seem to be spoken to this way constantly? At work at home and everywhere else?! I can’t take it anymore. Going forward, I would like to be spoken to with respect – even if it’s only a teeny tiny amount of it. Shit – is that too much to ask? I am DONE being kicked. DONE. You want me to apologize for something that isn’t my fault – fuck you. Not doing it anymore. I know half of my profession is apologizing for shit that isn’t my fault but I am damn sick of it. I don’t want to be the scapegoat for everyone else’s shit anymore. Take responsibility for your own stuff which includes not speaking to me disrespectfully. I am a person who deserves at least a minimal amount of respect.

…how important is it and where to apply it.

I did a workshop on race today and noticed that people spent a lot of the time they were prompted so speak in silence. The moderators allowed them the space for their silence. I know it’s a tricky topic but if someone is putting on a workshop for me I want to try to participate. But is participating for the sake of participation worse then silence? Where else does this question apply? I have been having a lot of trouble in my relationship. I want some space for silence. To figure out if I really still want to work this hard for the rest of my life for love. I know that relationships are work but should they be this much work and this hard and this heartbreaking? I just don’t think so. Every time we try to work it out, it goes south within a week. I just need some silence to try to figure some things out. But that is generally frowned upon in a relationship. Space and silence in any situation can be interpreted in so many different ways – it’s hard to tell sometimes what is best. It’s hard to communicate when you need it and it’s especially hard to give someone when you don’t want to. It’s just what I have been chewing on lately.

…creative as a lot of my friends.

I have such a talented community of friends. I find it so amazing! I wish I had even a fraction of their talent. I have listed them below so you can appreciate their awesomeness as well. Maybe even support them 😀 They are not only talented artists and crafts people, but wonderful human beings as well.

After Dark Candle Co.

I love the personal touches on these candles. I have the Mermaids one (we all now I wanna be a mermaid despite my tendency towards sea sickness) and it has a sea star on the top! The one pictured above has an Axe. They are spooky themed so great for Halloween but also year round. I have sent them as gifts to several people who love them as well. My friend Andrea makes them (yes we have the same name).

Here and After Art

Artist – MaryEllen Hackett

Amazing artist and bad ass Park Ranger. Do you really need to know more?! She also created my main art for this page. Check her art out! It adorns all my walls and shelves.

…you don’t need to be a dick.

I’m sitting at Valvoline while the very nice people spend their holiday working so I can have an oil change and this guy pulls up to the back and starts with some of the most dreaded word in retail ‘I want to talk to the manager!’ Ok male Karen. So he proceeds to tell anyone who listen something about his tire and about how some dude was a huge sick because he ‘drove the wrong way’. No matter what anyone said he just kept repeating it and being horribly rude. You can be upset without being a super douche. Just saying. Sugar catches more flies then vinegar. It’s tried and true. So when I drove away I thanked them for working a holiday and smiled and drove away. It was a good reminder about why I moved away from OC. I was that manager getting bitched at and no matter what ya do they just want to demean you. For all the managers and workers out there today – I feel you I see you I appreciate you. Haters gonna hate. Don’t let the muggles get you down.

…is all I have been able to do for the past week.

It has been a bit since I posted and shared my thoughts and life with you all because I have really only had the bandwidth for basic functioning. Work, Marty care, eat and rest. My brain shutdown last week on everything else and is honestly still recovering. It wasn’t any one thing that sent me to this place but everything combined really. It was all just too much and I overloaded. My brain said no more. I haven’t really been communicating with anyone beyond necessity and I just haven’t had the energy or the will to go above and beyond with anyone or anything. Basic functions to live and breathe and get the job done. Best I could do the past few days. Honestly, I am pretty proud of myself for doing that. I feel like the world has been smacking me down lately. Probably means I am headed for a good karma up swing though. No more lessons this week please. Can’t take it no more. Just as much rest as possible.