…and most of the people residing in Afghanistan.

I have been reading about the Taliban takeover in Afghanistan and have only scratched the surface. I am by no means an expert, but one thing I know for sure is I am so worried for the women residing there. All the progress of education, work – even being able to leave the house without a make escort – all gone. A life of oppression and fear looming over their heads. I was reading one woman’s account of the morning of the take over and how she got up like it was a normal day, went to work, and was literally run out to save her life. No cab would pick her up because she (and her friend) were women with no male escort. How they ran through the city until a kind person picked them up to try and get them home safely. Safely and safety in general is not a concept they get to have anytime soon and I am so worried for all of them.

What can I do? No, I am really asking. Does anyone know what I can do (if anything)? That is information I have not been able to find. I will keep looking.

I have since seen this as simple ways to start helping

https://www.upworthy.com/how-to-help-afghan-women-and-girls

…exhaustion dreams. That was a first last night.

I am so exhausted. Seriously. I know there are people with a lot more physical jobs then I have and who probably work a lot more hours then I do, but wow am I tired. Working 6-7 days a week just wont sustainable for me. Last night I dreamed about how exhausted I am. Seriously. I think I woke up more tired then when I went to bed. It was a great day followed by a night of unexpected and harsh criticism that to me, came out of nowhere. I spent a lot of my night feeling like I got in trouble for nothing and be frustrated about that. Sometimes I feel like all I do is stuff wrong and apologize to everyone. All the time. I just need a little support for supports sake. No strings attached, no retaliation.

Oh well. Off to work.

…some things people say hurt, they don’t realize it, but you can’t say anything.

You can’t say anything when you’re feelings are hurt because more times then not they will tell you that you are being too sensitive or taking it too personally. Whether they mean to or not, they invalidate your feelings. So you keep your mouth shut because just taking it and internalizing your hurt is easier then being accused of being too sensitive one more time. It especially hurts when the comment seems to come from no where. Everything is good then you’re sniped at and just wow, you can’t believe it. Your seemingly good day/morning turns into something not only hurtful but also smothering your own feelings and then it’s bad in a whole new way because you are once again not allowed to be who you are because who you are is bad or wrong or not line with what others think is normal.

Just needed to let those feelings leave my body. Thanks for listening/reading. High five to all the other ‘too sensitive’ people in the world.

The good ones who know you though always realize it and you work it out. That’s how you know the good ones. They have their shit too and you just gotta make your shit work together. That’s the key!

…and your new landlord doesn’t allow dogs – DON’T LIVE THERE.

I see these dogs put on adoption websites because the owner is moving somewhere that doesn’t allow dogs. WTF?! Live somewhere else. I would live in my car with my dog if I had to before I gave him up. Let me rephrase that – I WOULD NEVER GIVE HIM UP FOR ANY REASON EVER. I would alter my life to make it dog friendly and I would do it gladly. If he was sick I would sell an egg or a kidney or whatever it took to pay his vet bills. I have this crazy love for this little living being and he has crazy love for me. He depends on me for his life essentials and I agreed (and am very happy to) provide that for the rest of his life or mine, whichever comes first. I will do whatever it takes. Why, why would you just give a dog up. Change your life to fit your dogs life or don’t get a dog or anything pet and definitely NEVER have kids. It really grates my cheese in case that didn’t come across.

…is what I had.

It has been such a nice day. It was one of those days that remind you that it’s okay and you are good at what you do and have purpose. It’s the day you hold onto and hope that there will be another when you are in the muck of a bad day. The people are work with are nice and give compliments and they are genuine which is really refreshing after the second half of my last workplace. They help when needed and without complaint or bailing early before they actually have to help me clean things up. It’s just really nice. I wanted to share my really nice day with you all. I hope you had a really nice day too and if you didn’t there is hope that tomorrow will be.

…was my realization this morning.

I was sitting here working after a wonderful weekend and I had this sudden feeling wash over me. I would choose you (my dude) every time. No matter how hard we have to work at it and no matter what fight we happen to be in over something that matters or doesn’t – I choose you you – every time. I choose to work for it because you are just it. I have decided that with certainty. I am sure it wont be easy and I sure we will both want out in the heat of moment, but know I am always here and will always come back after our cool downs. I WILL ALWAYS BE HERE. I will always want to work it out.

I have no idea what came over me with this realization, we aren’t in a fight or anything and had a great weekend. Maybe it was just the love and support I felt this weekend. But figured I would just put it out to the universe and you.

…I decided today.

Emotions are crazy things. Happiness (emotion not life destination), anger, love, jealousy, and all the others I get. But guilt – stupid. It is self indulgent. I was thinking it’s a way to do something when you really can’t do anything. But maybe its your inner morals just letting you know its still guiding you. Maybe its just me but guilt is exhausting. I would rather feel almost anything else. Guilt over takes you and makes you small and kinda stupid. It almost prevents you from owning up to what you did too because if you feel guilty you can tell yourself you are a good person still because you feel remorse. But you knew what were doing. You can feel remorse without guilt. I think that will be the goal from now on. Real remorse for mistakes rather then self indulgent guilt to feel better. Just remorse and fixing what you did.

Guilt can also be used against you. When someone knows you feel bad and they put the screws to it. They can see your guilt which can be manipulated. Remorse is harder to play on because it’s genuine and not looking to feel better – its looking to repair.

I am not even sure where this is coming from. I don’t feel guilt or remorse right now. I was just mulling it over in my brain and that’s what I thought.

Any of this making sense? What do you all think?